RYE, N.Y. — A photo being used to help locate local missing boy James Dooley is shaking a community to its core, sources who wish the child dead based on looks alone confirmed.
“It’s terrible the Dooley boy’s missing. But my lord! That photo of him is far worse,” lifelong Rye resident Agnes Vanderblue shuddered. “It scares people. They won’t go outside. Would it have killed anyone to use photoshop or a filter or something? I blame the parents. A child goes missing every 40 seconds in America. Those are pretty good odds your kid will end up on a milk carton or telephone pole some day. Sharing your poor, unfortunate-looking missing boy with the public like this isn’t just negligence; it’s abuse! It’s like they don’t even want him to be found. Well, mission accomplished! Because I’m not searching for a face like that.”
Detective Roy Berg with the Rye Police Missing Persons Unit admitted the case has overwhelmed his under-resourced department, but not for reasons you’d expect.
“I’ve got zero leads on Dooley’s whereabouts,” Berg said. “But I’m up to my dick in death threats over this damn photo. They’re not even anonymous threats! People are on record stating how upset, physically ill, and downright violent the sight of Jimmy’s face makes them. Instagram took down our posts. Zoning declared every billboard blight. We’re drowning in backlash! So instead of offering a $50,000 finders reward, we’ve doubled the amount for anyone who retrieves and destroys all photos of this kid. The response has been staggering.”
Dr. Joyce Hammer, host of true crime podcast “Weapon of Joyce,” explained the key to finding missing children comes down to one thing.
“I hate to say it, but attractive missing kids are statistically more likely to be searched for and found than kids who, well, look like this,” Hammer said. “When a cute baby or some hot-shit teen disappears, the media gets a raging ratings boner, and everyone wants to be the hero who kicks down the door of some flophouse and saves America’s sweetheart from the needle or some perv. But this kid? With that mug? You might find him, but you can’t save him.”
At press time, to generate more favorable public interest in the case, all of Dooley’s photos were replaced with a totally different, more photogenic boy.