ALEXANDRIA, Va. — Experts warned that if re-elected, former President Trump’s stringent border policies could prevent thousands of Canadian girlfriends from making it to American…
LOS ANGELES — A K9 unit dog was commended during training today after he successfully shut his body cam off before tearing his squeaky toy…
SAN JOSE, Calif. — Breaking university-level research revealed the unpleasant truth that the sought-after record you’ve been looking for your whole life was in the…
The original “Twilight Zone” series is a gold mine of memorably traumatic plot twists, thirty-year-old men who look like sixty-year-old men, and some of the…
HARRISONBURG, Va. — City officials installed an anti-homeless bench this week that will catapult the sitter into the sky if they so much as dare…
BANGOR, Maine. — Local community organizers recently announced the formation of a support group for music lovers who cannot stop listening to the same hour-long…
SEATTLE— 42-year-old insurance adjuster Marc Barron was recently whisked away to Pibbapalooza, a magical world in which the 1990s never ended after putting on a…
PALM BEACH, Fla. — Former President Trump drew the ire of the worldwide population after posting “I HATE MOO DENG” on Truth Social at 2:37…
NAPERVILLE, Ill. — Local man Brian Langley, who often proclaims he “likes all music except country and rap,” is reportedly feeling vindicated after assault allegations…
HADDONFIELD, Ill. — The National Rifle Association rushed to Michael Myers’ defense today after the famed “Halloween” slasher started killing his victims with an AR-15…
NEW YORK — Minnesota Governor and Vice President nominee Tim Walz was asked about conflicting statements and timelines surrounding his claim that he attended that…
PHILADELPHIA — Local man Duncan Jackson remains utterly unaware that he is the manager of his friend’s band Black Lab and totally responsible for their…
NEW YORK — Vice Presidential candidate Tim Walz recently revealed that he has been practicing for the debate with J.D. Vance by competing against a…
CHICAGO — Exasperated cardiologist Dr. Everett Johnston is struggling to explain to his math rock guitarist patient that an arrhythmia, the irregular beating of the…
RAPID CITY, S.D. — Local punk venue The Pukebox has somehow invented the world’s first “no-ply” toilet paper as a courtesy to their guests, sources…