The holidays are right around the corner, and you’re looking for the perfect gift for friends. Or maybe you’re even dropping heavy hints in front of your parents. Well, guess what, this list won’t help you at all because these products aren’t even real yet. But if Papa Roach’s ‘Cut My Life Into Pizzas’ pizza cutter taught us anything, it’s that there is potential for success with even the stupidest of merch ideas. And in an industry where album sales aren’t the revenue generators they used to be, these novelties are perhaps soon all bands will have left. That’s why we’re here to help. Think of us as a modern-day Ali G – holding a skateboard without wheels, pitching it as a hoverboard. We’re the idea guys. We’re just going to need you to make it all real. And, of course, cut us a slice of that pie once they hit the market.
Thursday’s Fully Collapsible Salad Spinner
What better way to celebrate the 22nd anniversary of Thursday’s iconic album “Full Collapse” than with a fully collapsible kitchen marvel? Yes, that’s right, this unique salad spinner not only pays homage to the band’s groundbreaking work but also brings a touch of musical history right into your kitchen. Just as “Full Collapse” broke barriers in the music world, this salad spinner breaks the mold in kitchen gadgetry with its space-saving design and sleek look.
Details: This one-of-a-kind salad spinner is designed for easy storage, collapsing to a quarter of its size. It features a 5-quart capacity, perfect for all your leafy greens. The non-slip base ensures stability during use, and it’s dishwasher-safe for easy cleanup. Dimensions: 10 inches in diameter when expanded.
Maylene and the Sons of Disaster’s Plenty Strong Dirt Bike Jack Stand
Dangerous curves ahead! If there’s one thing we know about every Maylene fan, it’s this: You have jumped your fair share of dirt bikes, and you sure as hell haven’t nailed every landing. But have no fear, because we’re here to give you a little lift. This sturdy-as-heck bike stand is exactly what you need for dirt bike repairs and adjustments so you can get back to mudding. We think that’s what you call it.
Details: Made with heavy-duty steel, this jack stand can support bikes up to 5,000 lbs. It features an adjustable height from 14 to 41 inches, with a large top surface for stable positioning. The anti-slip rubber pad prevents slippage and scratches.
Between the Buried and Me’s Colors & Colors II Crayon Coloring Set
When you heard “Colors” for the first time, it changed your life. By the time “Colors II” came out, you’d heard all the songs you were ever going to hear, but you still pretended it changed your life again. Well, it’s time to make sure your kids can feel the same way about these progressive technical death avant-garde metalcore giants. With their very own coloring set!
Details: These crayons offer rich, smooth laydown, perfect for coloring and drawing. “Colors” features 12 standard colors. “Colors II” comes with 12 neon colors that nobody will ever reach for. All crayons are non-toxic, easy to grip, and made with durable wax for long-lasting use.
Ghost’s Pepper Flakes – Mild Flavored Premium Pepper Flavoring
Oh no, it’s not a ghost pepper. It’s Ghost’s pepper. This product might look scary, but just like the band, it is absolutely not. Seriously, it’s about as spicy as milk. These mild flavors are sure to please any palate, or at least any palate that shares the same taste as someone who would listen to Ghost.
Details: Comes in a sleek, easy-to-use 4 oz shaker. The flakes are a blend of premium, mild peppers meticulously selected to reduce flavor. They are perfect for adding a lack of zest to any dish.
The Weakerthans’ Sundial in an Empty Room
If only we could somehow make use of those parallelograms of light that dance along the walls of your empty guest room. Well, forget that empty feeling and fill that space with this one-of-a-kind sundial! With lyrics adorning the face, it serves not just as a functional piece for that spare room you probably have in your house but also as a conversation starter. It’s perfect for fans who value both the practical aspects of timekeeping and the artistic expression of a modern away message.
Details: This beautifully crafted sundial features a 36 inche diameter, making it an ideal size for display in an outdoor garden space, or in the center of a room with no furniture. Made from high-quality, weather-resistant materials, it ensures durability whether used indoors or outdoors. The sundial includes an adjustable gnomon for accurate time-telling throughout the year.
Underoath’s “Writing on the Walls” Erasable Markers
Uh oh, worried your kids will really fuck up the walls with that crayon set? Sure, they’re a little too young to start on Between the Buried and Me. Maybe you need something for a younger age? Well, kids will love Underoath and their “Writing on the Walls” erasable markers! Hand that boy one and watch as he brushes your living room in black and white. No worries, just wash it away when he’s done.
Details: These innovative erasable markers come in a pack of 10 vibrant colors, perfect for little artists who love to express themselves on any non-porous surface, including walls, windows, and whiteboards. The markers feature a non-toxic, washable formula, making cleanup a breeze – just wipe with a damp cloth or sponge. Each marker has a durable tip for both fine lines and broader strokes, and the ink dries quickly to prevent smudging.
Kirk Windstein Presents Crowbar’s Bar Crow
Have you ever found yourself hanging out in a seedy bar in New Orleans, deep into the night, only to be forced to drunkenly stumble home in the darkness? You realize you need some protection, but your more sensible friends have already called it a night. What you need is a more loyal companion. You know what we’re talking about. That’s right: a crow! Better yet, a Crowbar-branded Bar Crow, to keep you safe as you recklessly wander through sludge-filled alleyways, searching for home.
Details: Crowbar’s Bar Crow is a real, specially trained crow, bred for protection in social settings like bars. This loyal bird, with an average wingspan of 18 inches and a body length of around 12 inches, is perfect for accompanying you on late-night outings. The Bar Crow is trained to respond to basic commands and recognize its owner. This crow doesn’t require a harness (although we do have some great ideas there) and is comfortable in various urban environments.
Hawthorne Heights’ ‘Ohio is for Lovers… and More’ Travel Guide
Is your heart in Ohio? Well, then let some local boys show you around with this ultimate travel guide. Discover every attraction and hot spot that Ohio has to offer. And don’t worry: it’s not just for lovers. They’ll even help you find your favorite singles bars, because obviously, you’re getting over some heartbreak.
Details: This comprehensive travel guide is your key to exploring Ohio like a local. It features hidden gems, popular attractions, and the best singles bars, all curated by the members of Hawthorne Heights. The guide includes maps, tips, and insider knowledge to help you navigate the state with ease. It’s a paperback edition, easy to carry around, measuring 8×5 inches.
Korn’s “Beak on a Leash” Bird Leashes and Harnesses
His name may be Munky, but the man loves nothing more than birds. As you can imagine, it won’t be a tough sell to get the rest of the band on board. Not with an idea this good: Korn brand bird leashes and harnesses! For the cockatoo lover in your life, give them the gift that sets them free. Or at least give them the freedom to take their bird for a walk every once in a while. Finally, you’ll feel like you do have some release!
Details: This series offers high-quality bird leashes and harnesses, suitable for various bird sizes, from cockatiels to cockatoos. The harnesses are made from lightweight, durable materials that are comfortable for the birds and easy for the owners to use. The adjustable design ensures a snug fit, and the strong leash allows for safe outdoor adventures. The product comes in a variety of sizes and includes a step-by-step guide on how to safely use the harness with your feathered friend.
Refused’s ‘The Shape of Punk to Come’ Toddler Shape Sorting Cube
Okay, so maybe even those Underoath markers were still too much. Well, how else are you supposed to show the world you have a little punk-to-come on your hands? You already bought that kid a Black Flag onesie. I guess your only other option is to get them some sort of branded toy that will let everyone know that your child is merely an extension of you and your tastes. God forbid someone thinks this kid might grow up to be a Foo Fighters fan.
Details: This wooden cube features various shapes, each representing a different element of punk culture, that fit into corresponding holes. It’s designed to help develop fine motor skills and shape recognition in young children. The cube is painted in vibrant colors with partially-non-toxic, mostly-child-safe paint, and measures 6×6 inches.
Sunn O)))’s Decorative Black Boxes That Just So Happen To Have Speakers in Them
We’ve always wanted an amp that makes our guitar sound exactly like the monstrous hum of ‘Life Metal,’ but after some research, we realized there’d be significant challenges in releasing an amplifier with the Sunn O))) logo on it. There’s like a whole story there or something. So anyway, these are just decorative boxes. That might have speakers in them. It’s not entirely clear if they can officially state that or not.
Details: These distinctive decorative boxes, inspired by the sound and aesthetics of Sunn O))), are an intriguing addition to any space. Externally, they present as sleek, matte black boxes with a minimalist design. Hidden within each box are high-quality speakers. While they serve primarily as elegant decor, the boxes offer a surprise element of functionality, blending in seamlessly until their audio capabilities are revealed.
Explosions in the Sky’s “The Earth Is Not a Cold Dead Place” Heated Blankets
Actually, the earth is starting to feel like a colder and deader place. But it sure doesn’t feel that way when you’re soaking up some sweet post-rock and watching a heartwarming episode of Friday Night Lights. Coach! Coach, help! It’s not snuggly enough in here! Fear not, as this band-inspired heated blanket will solve that as you waste the rest of your evening with Tim Riggins.
Details: This cozy heated blanket features adjustable heat settings, ensuring you find the perfect temperature for relaxation. Made from soft, plush fabric, it measures a generous 60×50 inches, making it ideal for snuggling up on the couch. The design subtly incorporates motifs from the band’s album artwork, creating a stylish and functional piece. It’s equipped with an easy-to-use controller and a safety feature that automatically shuts off after four Fright Night Lights episodes, ensuring peace of mind.
Job for a Cowboy Organic Non-GMO Gluten-Free Horse Treats
We have to be honest upfront. We haven’t really listened to Job for a Cowboy; we just heard about them, and they seemed like a nice country band. And like any good country boy, you must know: you just can’t trust mainstream horse treats these days. Equestrian enthusiasts understand that not all horses can stomach the gluten found in the average grocery store horse snack. Well, all your problems are solved with these good-for-you horse treats! Now, your only challenge is thinking of a cooler horse name than “Job for a Cowboy.”
Details: These premium horse treats are made with organic, non-GMO ingredients, ensuring a healthy snack for your equine friends. They are completely gluten-free, perfect for horses with dietary sensitivities. Each treat is carefully crafted, combining nutritious ingredients like oats, barley, and molasses for a flavor that horses love. The treats come in a resealable 5-pound bag, ensuring freshness and easy storage, cowboy.
The World Is a Beautiful Place & I Am No Longer Afraid to Die Kitchen Wall Decor
We know. You’re going to lose it if you have to stare at that stupid “gather” decal adorning the walls of your kitchen one more time. And why does your partner always pick signs in that overused wedding invite font? There’s only one answer: an act of rebellion. Like proudly displaying the band name of your favorite Willimantic legends! This isn’t just a statement piece; it’s a nod to your edgy, musical defiance. It’s about time your kitchen reflected the real you. And it also kind of just works with everything else in the room.
Details: This wall decor piece measures 24×36 inches, made with high-quality, fade-resistant ink on durable canvas material. Easy to hang with included tamper-proof mounting hardware so it can never be removed, it’s perfect for adding a touch of rebellion to any room.
Bring Me The Horizon Temporary Child Throat Tattoos
Wow, your kid couldn’t handle the sorting cube? I guess you’re shit out of luck. Okay, one more idea. Just ink your kid. Temporarily at least. Give them a flat-brim hat and a throat tattoo to show your friends that you are deathcore through and through. Or at least you used to be. Now you’re just kind of listening to electronic rock in a deathcore outfit? Sheesh, maybe this was a mistake.
Details: These temporary throat tattoos are the perfect way to let your child rock a bold look without scarring them for life (at least physically). The tattoos are waterproof and last for 2-3 days, perfect for a weekend of pretend play. Each tattoo measures about 2×3 inches, designed to fit comfortably on a child’s throat area.