MISSOULA, Mont. — A look of terror and shame reportedly ran across your very own face just now upon the creeping realization that the can you shotgunned contained dog food and not beer, stomach-churned sources confirmed.
“Ah shit, why does this keep happening? I was halfway down the can before I started noticing the meaty chunks of Alpo slithering down my gullet, but I just had to keep going to make sure! I was hoping against hope that maybe it was maybe an especially viscous microbrew,” you were heard to say, while fighting back what is surely a torrent of vomit. “But, sure enough, just like the last few dozen times, it was dog food, plain as day. Worst part was, there were no Greenies around to gnaw on to get the taste off my teeth. Just had to sit with it between my molars for the rest of the night. This is almost as bad as the time I ate an entire bowl of Kibbles ‘N Bits because it looked like Cocoa Pebbles.”
Early reports on the matter reveal your long-suffering girlfriend is finding this occurrence less and less becoming.
“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t embarrassed. I’d love to stand by my partner, but this tends to happen at, oh, EVERY social gathering we go to together and it’s getting old hat. At first we would say our goodbyes and rush to the hospital to get the big lummox’s stomach pumped,” said your live-in girlfriend of four years, Evelyn Herrara. “But I suspect he’s beginning to acquire a taste for it. You’ve gotta admit, his coat’s been looking especially lustrous as of late, and he’s way, way better at catching frisbees in his mouth than he was when I first met him. Which is impressive, because he’s always been pretty good at that.”
Kendra-Anne Defino, head sommelier at Missoula’s Ten Spoon Vineyard, has been working tirelessly to quell rumors that dog food is bad to consume.
“I sincerely believe that drinking the occasional glass of pet food can not only be good for the human system, but enriching to the palette. There are flavor notes and tannins that we homosapiens can only experience through the hard work of eating this slop, a term I use non-derogatorily,” said Defino, while swirling a snifter of 2007 Purina Pedigree Blend. “Plus, it’s way more inexpensive than even the cheapest bottle of wine, which also doesn’t tend to make its own gravy when you add a little water to it. The choice seems clear to me, but what do I know? I’m only HEAD SOMMELIER.”
After the uproar regarding the shotgunned can, the commotion died down, and the christening ceremony where this all took place was able to go on as planned.