ORLANDO, Fla. — Local cinephile Misty Fremonta started seeing a new guy as an excuse to rewatch her favorite films during the “courtship” process, sources confirmed amid the sound of a copy of “Defending Your Life” being popped into the VCR.
“I was a little on the fence about this meathead I was talking to on Hinge. Not really anyone of substance, but handsome enough. Anyway, turns out, he’s so into me that we can basically watch whatever I want when we get together for date nights, so I figure, what the hell – a way to rewatch stuff I’ve seen a million times and feel like I’m being constructive,” said Fremonta, while ignoring a FaceTime from her new paramour. “It’s the perfect excuse. It took him a few Preston Sturges flicks to learn I don’t condone male chatter during viewings, but once he learned to come over, sit on the far end of the couch, and leave shortly after, it’s pretty much been the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in.”
Fremonta’s new suitor is allegedly having a positive experience acquainting himself with the world of film without the burden of physical contact with another human being.
“Oh yeah, I love the movies she chooses. Especially the ones with no color, I’m told those are the ones I’m having the best time watching. I always secretly hope the Three Stooges show up whenever I see something in black and white, but ‘Casablanca’ didn’t have them, but it was still good…Still good,” trailed-off part-time tire alignment technician and recent Criterion Channel subscriber Dave Szyminski. “Yeah, but as much as I’m having a blast hanging out with her, I do hope the next time she says I can put on ‘Rudy’ she’ll actually mean it. Little guy just wants to play football so badly. It’s a, what does she call it… oh yeah, a ‘cinematic triumph’!”
Representatives of the film logging social media app Letterboxd confirmed that watch patterns change suddenly in these situations.
“It’s a terribly common case, in fact. Without fail, we always see a, shall we say, ‘erudite’ spike in simpler straight male watch history once they enter a relationship with a cinephile. It would be fascinating if it weren’t such a shame that these fellows were being strung along like human sausage links,” said Letterboxd Analytics Associate Tina Trent-Sperry. “But, I gotta say the tonal whiplash from these poor schlubs ingesting a steady diet of ‘Fast & Furious’ movies to sudden five-star ratings for Elaine May’s filmography with captions like ‘will have to rewatch a few times to gather all my true thoughts’ is always something we laugh about around the office.”
Unfortunately, the relationship was promptly ended after only five minutes of a brief streetwide power outage.