SANTA FE SPRINGS, Calif. — Local father Jay Vander couldn’t wait until his newborn son was old enough to show him old hard drives full of pirated movies, confirmed sources who really just needed him to change a diaper once in a while.
“I know we have to start small and get through the baby’s various phases like Ms. Rachel, The Wiggles, and Sesame Street but I’m so stoked to show him all these cinematic treasures thanks to Pirate Bay. This makes the $15,000 piracy fine I received for torrenting movies 20 years ago almost worth it,” relayed Vander. “When he eventually asks me to watch whatever Marvel crap is in theaters I’m going to sit him down and watch Roger Corman’s 1994 masterpiece ‘The Fantastic Four.’ And I’m positive he’ll be the coolest kid on the playground.”
Vander’s wife is fond of her husband’s excitement for their child’s future but maintains that their focus should be on the present.
“He absolutely forgot about those hard drives and when he found them he couldn’t stop telling me about what he had in there and how he acquired it. I love him but I really need to hear him go on and on about Pauly Shore’s performance in ‘Bio-Dome,’” said May Vander. “I don’t know if our child will care about the six different TV cuts of ‘RoboCop’ Jay has saved but if he’s excited to spend time with our baby then I’m excited to let him.”
Grandfather Joe Vander recalls the joy of almost getting rid of the large boxes.
“When he moved out with May he left all his boxes in my garage and I almost made an easy $40 bucks off one weirdo who said he needed hard drives for his samples. I didn’t care what I got as long as I got rid of them but just as I was about to make some easy money Jay pulled in and yanked the box away,” recalled the 82-year-old. “Jay used to spend hours and hours in his room illegally downloading movies off the internet. Unfortunately, these hard drives will be his only family heirloom. Hope that kid doesn’t mind.”
As of press time, the new father was attempting to fix another hard drive with all the syndicated episodes of “The Simpsons.”