ATLANTA — And Weeping Solemnly, The Cherubs Affixed Their Gaze merch guy Luis Flores admitted today he hopes to join the band onstage soon, as he is allegedly “fully prepared to do guest vocals if things get slow back here,” puzzled sources confirm.
“When my homies in AWS,TCATG got the opening slot on Bedazzled Foreskin’s U.S summer tour, I told them I’d do merch,” said Flores as he typed a pointless email to the band’s manager amongst numerous unopened totes 15 minutes before doors opened for last night’s show. “I sing for a few bands when I’m home… so, you know, I’m ready to go whenever. I already have most of their lyrics memorized, and I did vocal warm-ups in the bathroom.”
Flores reportedly spoke last week with AWS, TCATG’s guitar player Blanch Crummond, who told Flores “…it might be cool, I’ll talk to the guys.”
“Luis made it very clear he wants the mic,” Crummond said while tuning his guitar. “But we brought him out with us to sell merch — that’s it. It’s bad enough I see him stage diving during the headliner every single night when he should be behind the table making sales. Now we have to factor him into the set, too? Like, why? This isn’t fucking Make-A-Wish. This is our livelihood.”
For his part, Flores doubled down on his abilities, claiming he’d sang occasional backup for at least three different touring bands for whom he’d sold merch.
“Oh, yeah… I saw him when Grime Reaper played here a few years back,” confirmed fan Andrew Branson of Dallas, recalling in 2017 when a mysterious mosh-caller stepped off-stage thanks to a mis-timed side hug from the opening act’s frontman. “I just remember looking around thinking like, ‘Are we supposed to be excited to see this guy?’ Nobody had any idea what he was doing there. Turns out it was the same guy playing ‘Candy Crush’ behind their table while I waited to take a piss.”
At press time, a small crowd was trickling into the venue while Flores, sitting in the van recording vocal covers for his YouTube channel, had yet to receive word on the promotion.