BOSTON — A man with his eyebrow raised in his profile picture is causing a stir across social media platforms for exuding a unique aura of cleverness and deftness of insight rarely bestowed amongst humankind, confirmed sources who normally associate this particular brand of aptitude with Socrates, Marie Curie, and The Rock.
“What can I say?” began Martin Delong, the man in question whose dizzying intellect exuded by his inquisitive and yet breathlessly confident profile picture is sending shockwaves amongst the world’s greatest living thinkers. “I’m not limited to any kind of social construct, be it politically, socially, or spiritually- as you’ve all no doubt gathered from the message that I’m conveying with crystalline precision in my profile picture. Nobody of tepid intellect would even dare to lead with such a valiant pose as the stamp on their digital presence had they not the virtuosity to support such boldness.”
In contrast, we spoke with Janine Barnes who recently went on a date with Delong and found him unimpressive.
“That man is a fucking moron. He didn’t ask me a single question about myself, kept quoting Ayn Rand, had multiple fan theories about ‘The Matrix’ for some reason, and when the bill came, he wanted to split and itemize the bill and tried to pay in crypto,” said Barnes. “When the date was over, he invited me back to his house to check out his collection of katanas. I’ve literally never been more turned off in my entire life.”
Even conservative firebrand Ben Shapiro, whose nasal, half-baked contrarian jabbering has somehow groped its way into the zeitgeist, appeared intimidated by the prospect of having Delong on his show.
“I believe in debate, I’ll debate anyone,” chittered Shapiro. “But Delong may be out of my depth. And I’m- I think- look- the media- It’s all- If you want to have a debate, perhaps. Perhaps this is the debate right now? And that’s something they don’t want you to think. Why do I have to have him here to debate? Why is the media telling me someone has to be physically here and talking with me to debate them? These are facts.”
As of press time, Delong was seen waxing his raised eyebrow while holding up a copy of ‘Infinite Jest,’ which he clearly wanted everyone around observe him reading.
