DETROIT — Local man Stuart Bask magically began his transformation into an unfunny conservative after he accidentally killed comedian Tim Allen and discovered that he would now have to take his place and be just as annoying as his predecessor, confirmed worried sources.
“I was a little drunk driving downtown and this dude just walked in front of my car out of nowhere. At first, I thought about driving off, but I figured I should check to see if the guy was alive and sure enough it was that dude Tim Allen from ‘Home Improvement,’” said Bask about the inciting incident that led to his incredible transformation. “I checked his pockets for a wallet or some cocaine, because, ya know, it’s Tim Allen. What I found was even more incredible and even worse for my health. There was a note saying ‘If something should happen to me, log in to Twitter from my phone. My followers will know what to do.’ And ever since that day, I can’t stop Tweeting quotes from ‘The Art of War’ and lazy jokes about Hunter Biden’s laptop.”
Friends of Bask said that the changes in his appearance and personality were sudden and drastic with many of them choosing to distance themselves from him as a result.
“It was funny at first, but then it just kept going. There was one day when he just magically had a MAGA hat appear on his head, but if he tried to take it off, another one would materialize immediately. He had no control over it,” said longtime friend David Johnson. “I saw him yesterday, and he was wearing a toolbelt and just grunting for hours and talking to a fence. If I’m being honest, the fence seemed to give him some wise sage wisdom, but nonetheless, it was weird.”
Edward Milton the leading expert in Early Onset: The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause Syndrom says that this is a very uncommon condition that people shouldn’t be concerned about.
“It really only affects one person, or I suppose two now, Tim Allen, for reasons unknown to man, has been imbued with this power. The fact he was in those ‘Santa Clause’ movies where the same exact thing happens appears to be nothing more than a coincidence,” said Milton. “This won’t happen with any other celebrities; it’s not like if you kill Joe Rogan, you’ll wake up the next day feeling like you need to eat elk testicles and take a bunch of supplements that claim to put your brain in hyperdrive. This is the world’s only Tim Allen-specific affliction.”
At press time, sources reported that Bask was last seen screaming outside of Richard Karn’s house, demanding he be let in while grunting loud enough to warrant a noise complaint.