PEORIA, Ill. — Local 43-year-old Dan Reynolds lost the ability to verbally communicate with loved ones and is only able to quote or use GIFs from the Netflix sketch show “I Think You Should Leave,” sources who don’t even want to be around anymore confirmed.
“Ever since that damn show came out I can’t get him to have a normal conversation. We went shopping to get him a suit and he came out of the dressing room in the suit yelling ‘There’s too much fucking shit on me!’ I was so embarrassed I just paid for his suit and left the store,” said wife Sara Reynolds. “And anytime I text him I just get GIFs as a reply. I asked him what he wanted for dinner and he sent me a GIF of that guy going ‘55 burgers, 55 fries, 55 tacos, 55 fries’ and then I asked what movie we should see and he sent another GIF that said ‘There’s a new Marvel out that’s supposed to be nuts.’ And that’s not even from the show but that fucking weird ass movie that guy is also in. This stupid comedian is ruining my life!”
Even though this odd behavior has been affecting all aspects of his life, Reynolds appears to be unphased or possibly even unaware of how people perceive his strange communication methods.
“We’re all trying to find the guy who did this and give him a spanking. It could literally be any one of us,” said Reynolds unprovoked. “I don’t have to sit here and be insulted like this. I’m just going to take as many suits as I can grab, get in that random hot dog car (RANDOM!) and drive back to wiener hall. You can’t change the rules just because you don’t like how I’m doing it.”
Social psychologist Lisa Chung says she has seen a rising number of middle-aged men who are only able to communicate with comedic GIFs.
“There seems to be a troubling epidemic for men of a certain age who cannot express themselves without resorting to the use of a GIF from something that only they seem to find funny,” said Chung. “Whether it’s something from a Tim Robinson sketch, or an episode of ‘It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,’ or some old cartoon they watched as a kid, they think it substitutes for actual communication. It’s even more serious when one or more of them are chatting with each other and flood their text chains with nothing but sophomoric GIFs.”
At press time, Reynolds was seen having an actual conversation with a coworker telling them about his new shirt he got from a store called Dan Flashes which has apparel with “complicated” patterns.
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
