THORNVILLE, Ohio – Disciple of the Dark Carnival Blaketon Lang, known among friends as Krazy Ryder Bitch, confused a common case of Whoop Whooping cough for COVID-19 while attending the Gathering of the Juggalos 2021, wicked sources confirmed.
“At first I was motherfucking certain that it was just a regular case whoop whooping cough, that shit spreads around every gathering like smoke from dank bud. No big deal, right? But I noticed that something was not fucking right when I could barely taste the clown’s elixir, Faygo,” Lang said while blowing his painted nose. “That shit sucked, but all and all, I don’t know why people complain about it. Though, I have been blessed with the holy communion of my two gods, Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J, so I ain’t gonna get anything life-threatening. Alright, get the fuck outta my way, I gotta get to the party.”
Some Juggalos are worried about the safety of the event and its regulations.
“Okay, like, I’m a fan of ICP and everything, but come on!” said Juggalo Rat King Money, A.K.A. Jim Hughes. “No one is wearing a mask. Well, there are a lot of people wearing masks, but they are like those masks from those sick ass Jason movies, they don’t do shit for airborne contagions my dude. And I can’t even get anywhere without getting well within six feet of others. With every ‘whoop whoop’ I can see the COVID particles flying through the air and infecting me. I thought that the Juggalos were a family, but this has proven to me that they are dangerous and are trying to get us killed.”
Juggalo doctor, Dr. Magical Goon, explained the methods for treating the several COVID cases that have appeared.
“We have a simply miraculous group of mothafuckin’ experts to help aid any hurting Juggalos,” Dr. Magical Goon said during a routine hatchet removal operation. “With the advanced medicine we got, anything from a Faygo can to the head to COVID can be cured, brother. First, we douse you in Faygo to disinfect your clothes. Usually, after that, we let you into the medicine cabinet to grab a couple of pills and some cough syrup, ok muthafucka? After that, you’re cured, bitch! It must work cause I never see a patient twice.”
At press time, Krazy Ryder Bitch also tested positive for seven different STDs and is still certain this trip was worth it.