STOCKTON, Calif. — Local ICE agent Tony Stockton added wounded veteran plates to his Ford F150 after getting his feelings hurt in what he referred to as “the Battle of San Bernadino,” confirmed sources who were pointing and laughing.
“We were just following orders and trying to catch a couple of farm worker ladies. They were leaving an alfalfa field to allegedly pick up their toddlers and we were told they might be undocumented,” said Stockton. “The women went into a building decorated with primary colors and we followed. We were planning to send them to an internment camp, but then a pre-school teacher referred to us as the modern day gestapo and gave us a double middle finger. It’s almost like the general public despises us. I tried calling the VA to talk to them about my PTSD and they hung up. My wife said I should go to therapy, but I don’t believe in it.”
Sofia Villanova was working at a local daycare and pre-school when four masked men with guns and flak jackets kicked in the school’s front door.
“The children were screaming. The men burst in and they were pointing their guns at everybody. I walked up to the one man and looked him straight in his eyes. I told him that his mother and grandmother should be ashamed of themselves and that they were bootlicking scum,” said Villanova. “I saw a scared hurt look in his eye like a little boy, so I yelled even louder, ‘not today, you fascist stormtrooper motherfucking virgin.’ I saw him start to tear up and he ran away. It felt great.”
Amy Anderson from the California DMV said that she has been seeing an increase in wounded veteran plates in the past few months.
“Because of the massive cuts to the VA system, the VA’s process for specialty license plates approval has been streamlined to automatically approve all applicants,” said Anderson. “They are eventually just going to approve plates for somebody losing Call of Duty or a cop who got his feelings hurt by a protester. It is absolutely ridiculous.”
At press time, Stockton also checked to see if he qualified for a handicap parking space after getting his feelings hurt by an 80-year-old grandmother.