ASBURY PARK, N.J. — Local 41-year-old Teddy Moore is being hailed as a hero after multiple witnesses confirmed he attended a local punk show on a Monday night despite being a little tired.
“I don’t know what’s come over me, but I am absolutely crushing being out and awake on a Monday. I made a split-second decision to go out tonight, and I must be running on pure adrenaline because I’m three beers and eight songs into the main act and I haven’t even glanced at my watch once. I feel like I could stand on the outskirts of the pit all night,” said Moore. “Somebody has to stand up against their own aging bodies and pointless 8 a.m. Tuesday morning meetings, so why not me? I’m going to make it until the end of the show even if it means taking a nap in my car during lunch tomorrow. I have to prove to myself, and the scene, that I’m not boring and lame.”
Show attendees were astonished by Moore’s heroism.
“A few of us clocked that guy when he walked in and figured there was no way in hell he was making it past the first opener. When you see someone stretching before the show and joking that they’re ‘out on a school night,’ you’d assume they’re DOA. I wouldn’t believe it unless I saw it with my own eyes, but it’s 9:45 and he only yawned once. This dude might be the most locked in 40-something in history,” said Jeff Thompson. “The crowd is completely in awe of Ted right now. If he can power through the headliner’s set without nodding off or eyeing the exit, this place is going to go crazy.”
Local emergency services workers at the venue recalled similar acts of heroism at shows.
“Most millennials I’ve seen can’t make it halfway through all these 20th anniversary tours without leaving before the melatonin kicks in. But people can do amazing things when they’re in a ‘fight or flight’ situation,” said paramedic Chris Langley. “There’s something about seeing a mother of three crowdsurfing at a show on only 7 hours of sleep or a married couple slamming shots with only 45 minutes until their kid’s babysitter has to go home. It is inspiring.”
As of press time, it was announced that Moore has been awarded the key to the city after making it through two encore songs before calling his Uber.