We’ve all seen the headlines about rising oil prices, gas stations charging six bucks a gallon, and ExxonMobil price gouging customers to cash in on the public’s scarcity fears after the U.S. attacked Iran, but what do these soaring fuel costs actually mean for you at the pump? Well, the answer is fairly complicated.
Some energy analysts are saying that higher oil prices will result in less money for other essentials, like gas station snacks and energy drinks. Unfortunately, this means you may need to cut your monthly Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and Monster Energy budget, so you can have enough money to drive back and forth from work to Sunoco. Unfortunately, we all need to make sacrifices so the government can play war. Those sacrifices include Gardetto’s.
You may even need to quit the gas station male enhancement pills altogether, but that’s more because they are a severe health risk. Do you really want to have a heart attack at age 36 because you just had to go with Chevron’s boner pills instead of the $400 a month ones that your doctor can prescribe? It’s like no one in this country wants to spend their entire paycheck on pharmaceutical drugs anymore.
Rising oil prices may also mean you’ll have to watch more of those gas station TVs while fueling up, since you can only afford to put 15 bucks in at a time and that’s only just over two gallons. Get ready for more frequent pit stops. But don’t worry, scientists are always saying we need more screen time, especially the scientists hired by Apple and Google. Think of the gas station TV as just a bigger iPhone. Now think of it playing “Game of Thrones.” See? Not so bad.
Oh, but it’ll only be playing commercials. So, most likely bad.
But don’t worry, there may be relief in sight. Sure, there hasn’t been a single expert who has been able to communicate any semblance of a positive outlook, but there’s got to be something encouraging coming for the everyday American, right? Right?! Maybe cheaper groceries or affordable healthcare? Throw us a bone already.
