PUEBLO, Colo. — Christmas came early for staff at a local tech startup who were allowed to go home early after their boss, Todd Hull, suffered a medical emergency, reported giddy sources.
“Fuck yeah!” beamed employee Donald Walker. “I was having a horrible day after Todd dumped a bunch of extra work that he should have done onto my desk, when he had some kind of health crisis in his office. All I know is that he apparently collapsed and had to be rushed out by paramedics. That’s all I know since I booked it out of there once they said we could leave. As for Todd, I guess doing a bunch of blow every lunch with one of your mistresses while the rest of us are busy grinding was just karma finally clocking in.”
Office custodian Gus Kostopolis never saw the staff so happy before.
“I’ve worked in this building forever, and I’ve never seen a more depressed group of employees suddenly burst into tears of joy like that before,” said Kostopolis. “As I was mopping up all the blood that gushed out of Mr. Hull’s forehead after he passed out and hit the side of his desk, the atmosphere in the office could only be described as pure ecstasy. Coworkers I’d never seen interact before were suddenly high‑fiving, and people who hated each other’s guts were embracing. The only thing I could compare it to was V‑J Day in Times Square in 1945, minus all the confetti.”
Employment Analyst Fred Truman explained that normally mild-mannered employees often turn into ruthless beasts when seeing their bosses at their weakest.
“For overworked, underpaid, and underappreciated staff, something happens to them at a physiological level when they witness the source of all their problems in visible distress,” Truman stated. “First they exhibit cortisol inversion, when their stress hormone flips direction, causing them to feel relief or happiness instead of empathy for their no‑good, rotten boss. They also show signs of a schadenfreude spike when there’s a surge in pleasure‑related neurotransmitters whenever someone in authority over you loses control. I can relate to all this because I’ve also hated every single boss I’ve ever had, so I apologize profusely for my obvious erection.”
At press time, the entire accounting department was being treated for euphoria‑induced exertion after overhearing paramedics tell dispatch that they still could not locate a pulse.
