TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Fourth grader Stevie McLaughlin became the class loser for being the only student without a nasty case of whooping cough, confirmed sources who just needed a minute to catch their breath.
“I tried fake coughing but they saw right through me. Then I tried sitting real close to other infected students since it’s highly contagious, but my stupid immune system is working perfectly against preventable diseases. So annoying,” McLaughlin stated. “Its not fair that my parents had me vaccinated. I never consented to that. Now everyone calls me health boy. I have to play alone during recess. Not because I’m unpopular but because no other student has the ability to run around. Why? Why did my parents have to get me inoculated? What I wouldn’t do to have the mumps or hepatitis A right now. Hell, I’d even settle for some meningitis. It’s the only way I can fit in.”
Fellow classmates are mocking McLaughlin relentlessly, with his locker being desecrated with pictures of Fauci.
“Its *coughing* so embarrassing,” remarked Daenerys Weinberg, a child born during “Game of Thrones” seasons who has a lot of friends. “Only a loser *coughs* would fail to hack up phlegm like the rest of us. Nobody wants to sit with him because he smells like vaccines and never has a runny nose or anything. What a dork. He is so not invited to my birthday party. He’ll *coughs* just kill the vibe with his steady breathing.”
The school counselor, Evelyn Scharpling, was understanding of the issue.
“When will parents learn that their actions have consequences?” Ms. Scharpling explained. “Maybe next time you vaccinate your kids, think about their popularity and the cultural trends. Last fall it was even harder because all the popular kids visually had fashionable measles. They would flash them like a badge of honor. We try to explain to the unpopular children that being cool isn’t everything but let’s face it, it’s the truth.”
In other news, third grader Gerald Simmons became the most popular kid in school for being the first one in his district to get polio.
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
