WASHINGTON — As a flurry of new US tariffs continued to shake the world economy, President Trump announced the only place unaffected by his new trade policy would be the infamous Epstein Island.
“My great and powerful tariffs have finally liberated America from the world’s economy, with the exception of the wonderful people of Epstein Island, who have always been very good friends to me. I’ve met a lot of friends there, dear friends, and the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen. We love Epstein Island, don’t we folks?” rambled Trump from the Rose Garden. “We will open a beautiful trade relationship with them, and many people are saying this is the greatest trade partnership in the history of the world. They have agreed to give us groceries and goodie bags at a very affordable price, unlike those backstabbers on Norfolk Island. I hear their island is infested by very nasty and incompetent penguins, who can’t even fly away from that shithole. Very sad!”
Economist Paulson Thatcher retained an optimistic view of the global economy after hearing of the Epstein Island exemption.
“Today’s announcement will prove to be another cunning economic chess move by President Trump, as Epstein Island has long been a favorite place of commerce among the world’s elite—uh, I assume anyways, I’ve certainly never been there myself,” said Thatcher, adjusting his tie. “But what we do know is that the island has a thriving economy and is reportedly the leading importer in fourteen-year old—that’s weird, the next word has been redacted—but I assume it’s referring to aged scotch or cigars.”
Fox News host Bret Baier reportedly hailed the announcement as a great success after Trump named Ghislaine Maxwell as new ambassador to the island following a full Presidential pardon.
“Nobody knows the inner workings of Epstein Island better than Ghislaine Maxwell, and her vast network of connections to world leaders and global financiers will help President Trump shower golden riches all over America,” said Baier. “Only someone as visionary as President Trump would think to make a 78-acre island the USA’s primary trade partner, but it’s that genius business acumen that will lead him to a historic third term.”
Elon Musk was reportedly advising President Trump to place the next round of tariffs on the mothers of his fourteen children.