LOS ANGELES — A three bed, one bath apartment located in the Highland Park neighborhood reached a critical inflection point between roommates as a dirty dishes stalemate officially reached the plastic fork stage, confirmed sources who refused to budge.
“There’s no way I’m doing them. Not again. I just did them last month,” said 24-year-old Blake Soderstrom, while grabbing a plastic fork to finish his $27 Erewhon parfait. “I’m basically never here and eat most of my meals over the bathtub. Sure, I’ve got maybe a cup or two in the sink. Maybe three, at most. Not to mention a small handful of plates. And maybe a dozen forks and spoons. But that’s it. Anyway, who’s counting?”
Sources close to the scene say at least four pots have been “left to soak” and almost every mug, cup, and wine glass has been stacked in such a way that one additional item would cause a crash not seen since Northridge, 1992.
“It’s Jared’s turn,” claimed 23-year-old Amber Witherspoon. “I always end up caving and spending three and a half hours doing the dishes, but not this time. I have too much going on right now. We have the chore wheel for a reason. I don’t care if I have to eat my Chobani yogurt with a spork from Tender Greens while hovering over the garbage can, which someone should also do something about. Not me though. I can barely smell the rotting food that’s been in there since Thanksgiving.”
Sean Phillips, Secretary of the Los Angeles Housing Development, noted that a mountain of dirty dishes is a common incident across Los Angeles, reaching as far as San Bernardino.
“These types of stalemates can weigh heavily on our underpaid and overworked Angelinos,” said Phillips. “The fact that 83% of LA apartments do not come with dishwashers only make these situations more common. Plus, people tend to overcook their Trader Joe’s frozen items — leaving significant pan and dish residue.”
At press time, third roommate Jared Grant was seen on the couch watching “The Bold And The Beautiful” eating Quaker Oatmeal out of a Christmas mug using chopsticks from Happy Plus Chinese and didn’t even notice the dishes in the sink.
