SAN DIEGO — Local man Andrew Hannigan was disappointed after joining a cult he incorrectly assumed was centered around depraved sexual activity, sources confirm.
“Well, after yet another disaster in my love life I happened to see a flyer for ‘The Sextuple Society,’ which at first glance appeared to be some kind of degenerate sex cult. The flyer’s suggestive depictions of female lips really got my imagination going. Little did I know that those lips represent cult members’ cold-calling duties more than anything salacious,” Hannigan said. “The cult primarily makes its money through MLM schemes, not via intricate webs of cruel sexual blackmail, as I would have expected. The ‘sextuple’ refers not to glistening, intertwined bodies, but to the six parts of their selling strategy. You’re given a script which, believe me, is far from erotic. However, I am grateful that cult leadership doesn’t seize members’ assets and then treat us like puppets engaging in twisted psychosexual games. Still, I’d sign over power of attorney for an orgy or two.”
Eventually, Hannigan met Rob Viera, another member disappointed at the lack of mind-blowing anonymous copulation.
“Everyone here really emphasizes the importance of purity of thought and stuff like that. Initially I suspected it was just a cover for how much fuckin’ goes on. But they really believe in that crap,” said Viera. “In truth, the majority of the members here are too old and in too poor health to safely engage in normal sexual activity, not to mention hours of feverish sexual rituals orchestrated by the pulsating beat of thumping drums. I guess I’ll have to satisfy my sexual needs in a group setting elsewhere.”
David Dressling, the cult’s leader, seemed to receive these types of criticisms frequently.
“A majority of our complaints from new members are about, according to them, the ‘lack of boning on the premises.’ We just prefer the phrase ‘making love’ and doing so in your free time,” said Dressling. “One orgy and we could lose half our community to cardiac failure. Not that anyone stays up late enough for anything carnal. There are plenty of sexually active cults out there they could join. Just search Craigslist like how everyone else still finds them. I think it’s the only thing that site is good for anymore.”
At press time, Hannigan had cut his losses and opted to try his luck with Scientology.