HUNTINGDON, Pa. — Local homeless man Scotty Yarborough is actively preparing for the end of spring semester at Juniata College where he expects to be the subject of many Photography 101 finals, local townsfolk report.
“It’s that time of year, so I’ll start growing my beard out all crazy to really lay it on thick,” said Yarborough, who rarely gets paid or even tipped for his modeling labor. “I’ll ham it up and look as miserable as humanly possible if the kids are respectful. But it annoys me when they get creative and ask me to push a shopping cart or sleep under a bench. I have a Geo Metro and have never needed a shopping cart. Also, a couple bucks for a hoagie would be appreciated. Don’t give me that ‘I only have a meal plan’ bullshit.”
Freshmen students at liberal arts schools often overstate their own ingenuity during their college experience.
“I am going to show this small college town that it has real, human problems. I’ll ace this final, maybe they’ll open a homeless shelter because of my submission,” said Brianna Wordsworth, whose parents have paid for her tuition, room and board, books, car, and beer fund. “My piece is entitled ‘Homeless vs Unhoused’ and I snapped photos before and after calling that homeless guy ‘homeless’ or ‘unhoused.’ The results are more powerful than I could have ever imagined. Now I just need to figure out how to get this to the Pulitzer committee.”
Those experienced in working with the unhoused are actively begging freshmen students to reconsider their final project ideas.
“We’ve come a long way from Bum Fights and audio recordings of unhoused individuals as intros to screamo songs, but there is still plenty of progress to be made with how we treat these people in our communities,” stated Morgan Vaughn, director of outreach at Helping Hands, Central PA- a homelessness advocacy non-profit. “So please, students, stop snapping 35mm film photos of people struggling in your college towns. You are exploiting them for grades and prestige without helping them. But also, the concept is cliche and trite.”
In related news, Juniata College’s film school professors were readying themselves for an onslaught of Mafia and cartel-related screenplays by 18-year-olds who have never even seen a gun or a blunt.