BOSTON — Players, coaches, and administrators for the Boston Celtics celebrated their record-breaking 18th title and claimed the victory was revenge for the city of Dallas killing the 35th president of the United States John F. Kennedy.
“We worked hard all season and we were extra motivated to get this win over Dallas because of the events of November 22nd, 1963 when President Kennedy was shot down in his prime while driving through Dallas,” said Celtics star Jaylen Brown. “We wanted to really prove a point in this series, there was a lone shooter in Texas on that fateful day that changed America, but we had everyone on our team showing them how real shooters operate. I want to dedicate this win to all the surviving Kennedy family members out there and hopefully this win brings you peace.”
Celtics head coach Joe Mazzulla says he was specifically practicing to defeat the Mavericks for weeks.
“We dissected game tape and identified plenty of strategies that we knew would deliver us another championship as long as we stayed disciplined,” said Mazzulla. “But also I made sure my players understand the history of this rivalry. Yes, the Celtics are mainly associated with the Lakers, but the rivalry with Dallas is far more personal. I made sure these guys watched the Zapruder film at least 15 times a day, and we listened to ‘Bullet’ by the Misfits to close out every practice. And I made sure Oliver Stone’s ‘JFK’ was the only movie on the airplane when we flew to Dallas. These boys were pumped to play and to exact revenge for Jack Kennedy, and I couldn’t be more proud.”
Boston Independent Businessmen Association leader Patrick “Shallow Grave” Flannagan was happy the official narrative of the JFK assassination brought home another title.
“Yeah listen I’ll tell you what, I’m excited for these kids they earned it. If hating Lee Harvey Oswald and the entire city of Dallas is what it takes to bring home a title then I hope we can run it back next year. I just don’t want anyone digging into Mr. Kennedy’s dealings with the criminal underworld,” said Flannagan. “It would be a real shame if these players were to learn that a criminal conspiracy involving mobs from LA, Chicago, and Boston conspired with the CIA to um, uh, eliminate the president. We want to get back to back championships, so make sure these guys stay away from any fringe podcasts.”
At press time, the convertible President Kennedy was assassinated in is expected to lead victory parade and all book depositories along the route will be closed “just in case.”