PATERSON, N.J. — Jeff Ackres, a prominent adult virgin, is currently deciding between tempting recruitment offers from both the involuntary celibate community and the fandom of the long-running BBC science fiction show “Doctor Who,” sources close to him report.
“Being a virgin at 33 really, really sucks,” said Ackres, who has never experienced a mutually erotic moment with another human being. “Everyone makes fun of you when they find out, you’re angry and frustrated all the time, and you can’t even enjoy watching ‘The 40-Year-Old Virgin’ because it’s too real. That said, I have been getting some really compelling offers from both the incels and the Whovians to join their ranks, and I really need to take my time on this.”
Jeff Hayes, who goes “NoSexKing” as a moderator on a well-known incel forum, has high hopes for Ackres.
“Mr. Ackres has great potential,” said Hayes. “He could easily harness the indomitable, endless power of his sexual frustration and make things worse for everyone around him. While we incels may get a bad rap because of certain unfortunate incidents, we would love to have him on board even to be the guy who sighs heavily at women in supermarket checkout lines or overuses the phrase ‘actually.’ We are prepared to offer Mr. Ackres all the toxic support, Reddit upvotes, and unpleasant pornography he could ever want, and hope that he accepts it.”
Jeff Babington, a lifelong “Doctor Who” fan and chair of the New Jersey Time Lord Appreciation Society, is also eager to bring Ackres into the fold.
“We here at the NJTLA are confident Mr. Ackres will make the right choice and join us, although our confidence in speaking with potential sexual partners is at an all-time low,’ said Babington. ‘However, only a Zygon would be foolish enough not to realize that the ‘Doctor Who’ fandom is the right place for an adult virgin. If Mr. Ackres is willing, we would love to provide him with mind-numbing TARDIS lore, long scarves, and grainy pan and scan VHS copies of Sylvester McCoy episodes he requires.”
As of press time, Ackres was not in any danger whatsoever of coming into sexual contact with anyone.