Traditional boring Thanksgiving dinners are fine for some families, who don’t care about celebrating our nation’s history with a little flair. Turkey with those little bows? Dull. Ambrosia salad? Disgusting! Bread up the ass of a bird? Pervert!
But it doesn’t have to be that way! If you really want to impress the collection of eerie, smiling porcelain dolls who live in the attic and that you call your family, try these delicious, easy recipes!
1. Sweet Meringue Yams
Sweet potatoes baked with marshmallows are as American as apple pie and holding Mother, the porcelain doll with the sinister expression and starched lace collar, while you stare into a mirror through the night. Try bumping it up a notch by baking a rich, sweet meringue onto Hasselbeck yams!
2. Wild Rice and Cranberry Salad
Thanksgiving food doesn’t have to be heavy, sugar-filled, and delicious! This healthy side dish of three different wild rice varieties tossed in a light cranberry vinaigrette is perfect to keep your waistline trim and unchanging, just as the cool, pale bodies of the only family you can ever truly love will never change.
Ever.
3. A Single Piece of Ceramic to Lie Cool and Still On Your Tongue
Not every Thanksgiving dish has to be a riff on an old classic! Instead, you can simply place a ceramic disk on your tongue and sit silently amongst your brothers and sisters, finally feeling like you are one of them. You are still. You are silent. The ceramic in your mouth is delicious.
4. Around the World Wheel of Cheese
Cheeseball? Get the fuck out of here! You can forget the artificial smoke taste of those globes of yellow-ass cheddar because you’ll have a real globe… of cheese! Simply use your atlas as a cheeseboard and place a chunk of cheese on the appropriate country and whisper the names of your sweet and perfect family to yourself. They will always love you and the terrible things you have done in their name.
5. Bloody Meat
Does anybody actually like roast turkey? Not when there is a pile of fresh, bloody meat still quivering from the kill, while your porcelain family slowly stand from their dollhouse chairs and move with the terrible sound of grinding ceramic to feast!
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!