WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following a widely panned debut by Katie Zacharia as the new White House press secretary, special advisor Stephen Miller took to Google to look up “Temu return policy” in an attempt to get reimbursed for his purchase from the ultra-discounted retailer, sources confirmed.
“I guess this is what I get for ordering a press secretary off of Temu, but I wish it worked out for at least as long as our war secretary has. I expected a cheap knockoff of a communications professional, but this Katie model is a cheap knockoff of a warm body,” Miller said. “The worst part is my order took forever to arrive from Temu. These Trump tariffs were a real pain in the ass, too, since Katie was imported from China. That’s where she said she got her law degree, which was a massive fuck up, and now I have to explain to President Trump how to pivot that ‘China’ reference into meaning ‘Taiwan’ and not the ‘People’s Republic of China.’ And then I have to explain to him what Taiwan is, and why Leann Chin is not president there. So, yeah, I need my money back from Temu. And hopefully I can make the return without anyone noticing. I’m thinking of shipping her in one of my coffins. No one goes near those things.”
Zacharia dismissed rumors that she is on the way out of the White House.
“Like most Temu products, I work fine so long as I’m not exposed to direct sunlight, heat, moisture, Big Mac sauce, math problems, flat surfaces, questions from the press pool, or democracy,” Zacharia said. “I used AI to create the perfect chimera for my role, from the magnetic musk of Sean Spicer and the cool confidence of Anthony Scaramucci to the centerfold of a Sears lingerie catalog from 2002, and the whole week no one noticed the press secretary was replaced by a Ms. Potato Head. I’m all that and more. So, no, I don’t believe I’m getting returned to Temu.”
Long-time White House reporters expressed disbelief.
“I’ve reported from the White House press pool for many years, and this is the first time showing up drunk actually made it easier to understand what’s going on,” said Les Wrinkle, a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist. “I miss the days when I’d ask a question and get a blank stare as an answer. Does Ms. Zacharia know she can just do that? That Ms. Potato Head they had for a week sure did.”
As of press time, the Temu website’s return policy page displayed a 404 error.
