WASHINGTON — Embattled White House Press Secretary Katie Zacharia has been fired following a disastrous debut, according to everyone except for Zacharia, who is still sounding out the termination letter.
“I’ve just been handed a letter I’m supposed to read right now. Let’s see. It says, ‘Effect…ive…imm…ediate…ly…you…have…been…,’” Zacharia said slowly as she read the letter from her lectern in the James S. Brady Press Briefing Room, pausing on every consonant, vowel, and befuddling punctuation mark. “No, wait. I should start over. Is that my name at the top of this letter? Let’s see. It says, ‘White House Official Communication.’ What a weird name for a person. Does anyone know who that is? This letter is for them. Oh, wait, my name is on here, too. Ka…tie…Zatch…urea. I guess whatever this letter says can wait until I get through this press conference with the pool. I like pools.”
A senior reporter from the press pool went outside for a cigarette until Zacharia came around to her new unemployment status.
“I still can’t tell if this is an act by her, a trick by the Trump administration, or another one of my hallucinations after quitting all that gas station kratom. Yeah, kratom. This admin wore me all the way down to kratom,” said Les Wrinkle, a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist. “I figure we’ve got another 30 to 45 minutes before Ms. Zacharia comes to the realization she is fired. I actually found out about it yesterday. Trump shitcanned her in the Oval Office with that ‘You’re fired!’ catchphrase, but she was such a super fan that she took it as a compliment. Stephen Miller tried to fire her, too, but she was standing in daylight. Even Ivanka took a shot at it, but Trump kept trying to fire her instead. Very awkward. Anyway, the White House leaks like a Trump condom. Ms. Zacharia will be the last person on Earth to hear this news.”
Reasons for Zacharia’s termination range from general incompetence, pretending to be an attorney licensed in the United States, also pretending to be an attorney in China, and all the way back to general incompetence.
“We have no record of Katie Zacharia in our system,” said Moni Gerault, a spokesperson for the American Bar Association. “I have to hand it to her, though. She’s using that old lawyer’s trick of taking forever to get through a letter full of bad news. That’s what this is, right? She can’t seriously be that rock stupid.”
As of press time, Zacharia paused the press conference to take a call from Anthony Scaramucci.
