Wait, do you have a problem with the way I’m driving, pal? I promise I looked before I merged right in front of you, and no, I don’t really think turn signals are necessary. Maybe if you manned up and bought a Ford F-350 instead of that puny little Honda, I’d be able to see you better. Oh, you’re just asking about my combat veteran license plate. Which war did I serve in? Well, it wasn’t an actual military conflict, per se, but have you ever listened to “Love Is a Battlefield” by Pat Benatar? If you had, you’d be able to understand why my driving with that affixed to my rear bumper is completely justified.
What do you mean, that’s absurd? It sounds like you’ve never been in a tumultuous relationship with someone you cared deeply about, because if you had, you’d know it’s every bit as harrowing as taking heavy fire at Peleliu or storming the St. Mihiel salient. Pat Benatar understood this, even if the lady working for the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania didn’t when I initially applied for this plate. She changed her mind, though, when I told her I was at Fallujah. To be fair, my shitty ex, Chelsea, cheated on me by giving an over-the-pants handy to that Monro employee with the ear gauges around the time that battle was going on, so if you ask me, I basically told the truth.
Oh, don’t get all high and mighty with me about “stolen valor” or whatever bullshit you’re going on about, either. You have no idea what you’re talking about, dude. Do yourself a favor and watch the music video for “Love Is a Battlefield,” and you’ll see what I mean. Watching Pat Benatar, playing a teenage runaway who finds employment as a taxi dancer in a nightclub, leading a rebellion (through dance) against its foppish but sleazy owner, will lead you to understand that there is no difference between laying down your life for your country and love, which you should understand is the most dangerous battlefield of all.
Look, we can stand in this Denny’s parking lot and argue about which of us is a “disgusting, pathetic, and morally deficient scumbag” until we’re blue in the face, but I have other stuff to do. Specifically, going inside and ordering a Grand Slam Breakfast, and not like it’s any of your business, but yes, I do plan on using this my license plate to obtain said breakfast free of charge. Good day to you.
