Look, I know what you’re thinking. “This guy’s whole identity is centered around being straight-edge, and he just threw it all away because he came across an open container of Klean Stripe in his parents’ garage.” Well, I’m here to tell you that’s total bullshit, man. Yes, I did huff the absolute Christ out of that paint thinner that’s been opened on my dad’s work bench since the mid-nineties, but rest assured that I did not break edge in the process.
First off, have you ever actually read the lyrics to that Minor Threat song? I have, and not once does Ian Mackaye mention paint thinner, so please wipe that haughty expression off your face. Yes, he does mention sniffing glue, but does this look like a bottle of Elmer’s to you? No way, man, it says “solvent for use in diluting oil-based paints or varnish”, so my conscience is completely clean here, even if my face isn’t. Seriously, this stuff is burning the shit out of my nose.
And to be completely honest, I barely even got high from it. Think about it, if I was really interested in breaking edge, would I choose a dissolving agent that’s been open since the first Clinton administration? No way. If that were the case, I would do something like chug an entire bottle of Listerine in the CVS parking lot or take an entire bottle of the Paxil that my roommate Garret keeps in the back left corner of his sock drawerhe doesn’t know I know about. Not that I’ve ever done either of these things. I’m just saying, if I were interested in no longer being straight-edge, a little spur-of-the-moment huff of a perfectly legal substance after grabbing myself a Cherry 7-Up from the garage fridge during my nephew’s birthday party wouldn’t cut it. You feel me?
Oh well, we can talk back-and-forth here until we’re blue in the face (well, in my case, even bluer in the face than I already am). I think the best course of action is for us to just agree to disagree, and you can head back to the party while I sit here and stare at my dad’s tool set until the world stops spinning. Just do me a favor and don’t mention this to anyone, OK? I think I’ve competently made the case that this wasn’t a lifestyle lapse, but if you’re any indication, not everyone’s going to agree with me. Can you shut the door on your way out? Thanks.
