America is in the middle of some pretty big changes right now, which you might have missed if you don’t follow the news or didn’t see the ICE agent kicking in your door right now. Trump’s tariffs are raising prices on virtually all products, according to everyone who doesn’t work for him and/or is attempting to bring about the end times, and that includes your favorite groceries like fine sardines and Choco Tacos.
We’re all going to have to tighten the belt and adjust to the future, by which we mean our inevitable feudal serfdom under the brutal heel of Google, Alibaba, and whichever DOGE teenager seizes power over the eastern seaboard in the next couple of months. And just like serfs of medieval times, we’re all going to be choking down various gruels for the rest of our lives, so we figured we’d get ahead of the curve and taste-test them for you and your various descendents in squalor!
Mush: We decided to start things out easy, because we still have lingering memories of Tostitos and name-brand cheese products being affordable. A nice lukewarm mush made of millet, cracked wheat, dust bunnies, whatever the fuck a groat is, and purina, boiled to hell and slopped into a bowl to give us enough caloric energy to make it through yet another day servicing the murderbots of Archduke Tim Cook really isn’t that bad. Could use less weevils in it, though.
Oliver Twist-Brand Grey Slurry: Next up, we tried the Oliver Twist-brand grey slurry, the most popular foodstuff to ever come out of the United Kingdom. While we exactly say we wanted “more,” we could see how this is the kind of bubbling muck that will put you right for another day in a Dickensian workhouse or maybe just to pick a pocket or two. When in doubt, choose the gruel with the famished, sad-eyed orphan on the box!
Whatever’s Steaming in This Pot: When the last bulwarks of modern society collapse in a couple of months and forgetting your Real ID at home means maximum security torture prison, even store-bought gruel will be a luxury. That’s why we tested whatever opaque, semi-fluid substance is steaming in this pot right now and being stirred by what we can only describe as a “cyber-crone.” Remember, if we had just paid attention to the lessons of the Magna Carta, we wouldn’t be choking down something that we’re pretty sure had rocks in it.
Commandant Burgleboil’s Supper Leavings: While most of us will end up penal serfs laboring in the great iPhone fields of New Arkansas, there will be a few lucky ones who manage to end up in charge of the other Indentured Citizens©. Thanks to the good ol’ trickle-down theory, that means that we’ll be able to take cover near Commandant Burgeboil’s headquarters and lick the remains of his protein-infused gruel off his garbage. 3 out of 5 stars.
Cream of Wheat: No, that’s just too fucking disgusting.