We remember elementary school music class as a really informative and interactive experience where we learned the basics of sheet music and how different instruments worked. For some of us, it even initiated a love of music that ultimately culminated in writing for a punk news website. Fast forward 30 years or so, and it seems our nation’s approach to introductory music education has changed pretty drastically.
It was concerning, to say the least, when we found out the entirety of our kids’ music literacy class was comprised of a Kid Rock live performance, but we figured we might as well twist an article out of the report they have to do. Apparently the Missouri Department of Elementary and Secondary Education now considers a thorough knowledge of Kid Rock’s live collaboration with Run DMC and Aerosmith to show sufficient understanding of the concepts of rhythm, pitch and harmony. By no means are we Berklee graduates ourselves, but this really doesn’t seem right. Nonetheless, here’s our rundown of the performance.
So Kid Rock starts the performance with a little rap alongside Joe C., whom we had completely forgotten up until now, but RIP nonetheless. So Joe C. then introduces Run DMC, and we’re sorry, why are we doing this again? Oh right, we’re just piggybacking on our kids’ report so we can knock out an article. Yeah, we’re still not getting what’s so educational about this, but whatever.
So Run DMC comes out, which is cool. We’re not sure why they decided to do a performance with Kid Rock, but they probably made some decent money out of it. Still, we hope they wouldn’t have done this had they known how much of a pathetic MAGA chud he would turn out to be, but we digress. So, they rap for a little bit over Kid Rock’s backing band, which we get. It was 1999, after all, and that style was all the rage. Then Kid Rock comes back out on a literal red carpet and goes into the opening of “Bawitaba,” and Jesus Christ, how did the Missouri State Board of Education approve this?
We know it’s Trump’s second term and our country is hopelessly and irrevocably fucked, but this still seems like a stretch. Anyway, “Bawitaba” is just the stupidest fucking song we’ve ever heard, and we’ve given our kids carte blanche to write that in their reports if they so desire.
Ugh, here comes Aerosmith, as if this couldn’t get any dumber. So Joe Perry, Steven Tyler, and Steven Tyler’s mouth all walk to the stage and everyone sings “Walk This Way” as if the world needed to hear that again. At least it wasn’t that putrid Armageddon song we all got beaten over the head with in the late 90s, but we’re just grasping at straws for things to be thankful for at this point. Anyway, the performance then comes to a merciful close.
The worst part about this is that it isn’t even our top contention with our kids’ education right now. While we fully plan on voicing our displeasure at the next school board meeting, it’ll have to come after we contest our district’s social studies classes having been replaced with the “God’s Not Dead” movies. Wish us luck.