After years of unsuccessful attempts, me ‘n Scooter finally made our way down to Bohemian Grove and caught a lizard person! Once we tied it up, we demanded to know why they rigged the election for Sleepy Joe and when they’d begin their final attack on humanity using Obamacare and 5G wind farms. That boy didn’t seem to know what I was talking about because I think we accidentally kidnapped a lizard janitor.
I should’ve known it from the jump. This fella was the only one to even come close to our trap, and it really wasn’t much of a trap, man. It was just a bunch of meatloaf and a couple of dollars in the bed of Scooter’s F150.
Now that I think about it, that critter was carryin’ some tools and seemed to be working twice as hard as everyone else. The fact that he wasn’t actively turning the landscape into an Illuminati death camp or telling any other lizard people what to do should’ve been a clear sign that he was not the head honcho.
After it claimed not to know about the mind control devices beneath the Denver International Airport, it kept sayin’, “We’re only here to do research!” and “If I complain, I’ll lose my job!” He was really insistent that comin’ here was the only way to provide for his family. I guess that thing wanted to provide a better life for his family back home instead of doin’ space meth until it died in its hometown like my brother-in-law. It started to tug on my heartstrings truth be told, but as a rule, I refuse to sympathize with others.
At a certain point, I thought that devil might be pullin’ a Keyser Söze on us. Even my grandmother knows that Beyonce psychically transplants her consciousness into other people to spy on Israel. This thing could have been playing dumb I guess. But no matter how hard I would ask it questions with the business end of my shovel, all that lizard would let slip was “Please stop beating me, I have a family.”
By the end, it was clear to me and Scoot that our captive was indeed just the janitor and a particularly ignorant janitor at that. My brother is a janitor but he still knows which of his U.S Senators partake in baby-eating devil ceremonies and which ones just watch. I can excuse being part of an alien race that happens to be plotting world domination, but I can’t excuse being uninformed.