Listen up, weary renters! Are you bummed over the fact that you’ll never know the joy that comes with owning property and accumulating wealth as you sip iced tea on your backyard porch and think about the finer things in life? Well, it’s time to start thinking about the finer things in life that you’re able to enjoy in the present moment, like cavalierly pouring hot oil directly down the kitchen sink because you’ll never not be at the mercy of a landlord!
Sure, you’ll probably die without any worthwhile assets to your name, but at least you can destroy the plumbing on somebody else’s dime. It’s the little things, really.
What are they going to do? Dock you on your security deposit? It’s cute of you to assume that you’ll ever break your lease at this point, so you might as well enjoy the hidden perks of shared walls and shitty neighbors to make renting life just a little more enjoyable.
It’s Not Your Plumbing –
So you poured too much bacon grease and canola oil down the drain, and now it’s irreparably clogged. This is a huge problem, right? Wrong! Since you’re stuck renting from Mr. Moneybags anyway, all this means is that you don’t even need to read the labels and second guess yourself when trying to purchase industrial-strength solvents from the hardware store. If the old pipes beneath your sink can’t handle the cleaning material of your choosing and burst at the seams with unsavory gunk, just call maintenance. It’s their problem now!
Increased Pool Access –
Inexplicable water main breaks and renting are synonymous, and 100% mutually exclusive from how you treat your own plumbing on a regular basis, but you can use these incidents to your advantage if you’re smart enough. When the municipal sludge pumps saturate the air with their sulfury brand of human excrement and gas buildup, the community pool clears out faster than my kitchen when I realize that pouring an active grease fire down the drain actually makes the problem infinitely worse. My living situation may now be considered “condemned,” but who am I to complain when I gain all of this raft real estate in the interim?
It’s Okay That You Didn’t Learn Cursive –
You’re still a bit salty that Tech Education, Auto Shop, and Home Economics were removed from your curriculum when you were coming of age because they all teach necessary life skills that pay for themselves both materially and monetarily. But at least you didn’t waste an entire semester learning cursive in the third grade because it’s not like you’re going to be signing a mortgage any time soon.
Loud Neighbors are a Blessing, Not a Curse –
For the longest time, I used to hate my upstairs neighbors because of how goddamn loud they are. But whether I’m overhearing an act of domestic violence or the place is being ransacked after a drug-deal gone wrong, I sleep easy knowing that I can listen to my Van Halen records as loud as I want, or even vacuum after 9:00 pm because I’m so much more quiet by comparison. It’s like I cracked the code for living deliberately at the expense of others who are suffering immeasurably … just like my landlord, who does the same thing by charging me $2,500 a month for a 650 square foot studio apartment.
The Crawl Space Isn’t Part of My Lease –
There’s a vacant apartment across the breezeway, meaning the crawl space below it is also vacant. I use it to store the camping gear I need to set up when the ceiling above my bed leaks, but mostly I just go there to cry because it’s my little secret garden.