We’ve all been there. You took Adderall to clean your apartment without crying and now you’re slotted for thirteen different brunches at the same time. Coming down from that hyper-focused high has turned you from a social butterfly to a paranoid, hibernating squirrel.
You just want to watch Fred Armisen impressions on YouTube all day and only leave the house to wave down your UberEats driver. We get it, and thankfully there’s a solution for avoiding those plans: convince the world that you died. Here are a few death-faking strategies for the amateur plan canceller:
Randomly appear during the Grammys “In Memoriam”
The stars! The paparazzi! The harrowing reminder of our mortality! Nothing says “I’m busy” like appearing in a slideshow of dead celebrities while Alicia Keys belts out a collection of Billy Joel medleys. Now instead of texting you, your friends will be texting condolences to your grieving family! You’ll be “resting in peace,” indeed.
Disassociate until nothing is real
Now that you’ve calmed down from 15 mg of focus pocus, it’s time to space out until your brain melts into a fine paste. Say “goodbye” to those plans and say “hello” to existential hell as you lose track of your weight in space and time. With practice, any ADHD-ridden adult can disassociate until everyone assumes them dead. Look at you putting that chemical imbalance to good use!
Kill someone that looks a lot like you
With this strategy, you might be thinking, “Huh? How would that help?” We know you’re a thoughtless sack of bones without Adderall, but think about it! This murderous power play will cancel that bar crawl in SECONDS after your friends see a vaguely familiar dead body on the news. Just find a tired-looking loser with no private or public records and give ”em’ the ol’ blunt force trauma! Worst comes to worst, you’ll be guaranteed a private cell in the prison psych unit.
Just die
Jumping in front of a train. Drinking a gallon of children’s Benadryl. Going to an American public school. There are thousands of easy ways to get killed and they’re all patiently waiting for you to try them. You won’t have to go to dinner at six if you’re six feet under!
My Adderall ran out
It appears that my Adderall has worn off after conjuring four brilliant ways to fake one death. I am completely out of ideas. Maybe you could… um… I don’t know, tell your friends you don’t want to hang out? No, bad idea. Sorry for even suggesting that. How about you make the damn list? I’m busy making sure the Grammys used the correct black-and-white photo of me.