Satanic panics are all the rage right now. Thanks to the concerned Facebook posts of Christian mothers, devilish imagery receives frequent engagement online and at any event with red lighting or a Party City devil costume. But this resurgence doesn’t faze local woman Allison Crane, a card-carrying member of The Satanic Temple whose severe anxiety makes every day a Satanic panic.
Pop stars like Sam Smith, Kim Petras, and Lil Nas X get a lot of credit for starting new Satanic panics, but they wouldn’t hold a ritualistic candle to Allison if she wasn’t afraid to leave her apartment. She even experiences Satanic panic inside her overpriced living space. That flickering burnt-out light in the kitchen? It’s pretty spooky but not as nerve-wracking as filing a maintenance request for someone to come over and fix it.
Allison’s rare public appearances spawn some pretty impressive Satanic panic attacks. Sure, people online are more concerned with finding subliminal messages in reversed music videos, but Allison’s still haunted by her last Trader Joe’s run. How is she supposed to sleep at night knowing she saw two of her former classmates in the produce aisle without greeting them?
The worst part of the situation? She specifically drove to this Trader Joe’s on the other side of town because she can’t go back to the one in her own neighborhood. She’s not outright banned or anything, but she said “You’re welcome” to a cashier who told her to have a great day. No way in hell is she showing her face in there after that debacle.
She’d sooner attend church with her parents again than be perceived by her neighbors one more time. Hell, she probably will. They want her to join them for Easter vigil and she doesn’t have the heart to tell them that her book club meets that afternoon. If they find out she’s in one book club, they’ll try to get her to join their book club which meets in front of an incredibly creepy Jesus statue — the one that she joined The Satanic Temple to protest, no less.
At least she has time to think it over while she drives across town to a third grocery store. Her Friday night pizza ritual can continue as planned so long as she doesn’t hyperventilate in this place’s frozen food section.