There comes a time in every marriage in which you have to admit that things have gone too far. You might be living in the same home, but you’re no longer looking in the same direction. You might be eating the same sub sandwiches, but dunking them in different soups. You hate each other’s fucking guts, to be clear.
That’s where we’re at, babe, and I’m going to throw this out there: human urine.
Before you get up and drive your beloved 2011 Volkswagen Beetle out of my life for the last time, I want to try everything we can. And if urine can heal the wound of a jellyfish sting, who says it can’t help out when the rose of love begins to lose its bloom?
We all know that jellyfish stings infect tender skin hyaluronidase, neurotoxic peptides, bioactive lipids, hemolytic proteins, histamine, and cytotoxic proteins, much as the passage of time inserts resentment and anxiety into a long-term relationship. I think that’s what our relationship counselor was trying to tell us.
Everyone also knows that human urine is uniquely suited, for reasons that only the gods above know, to alleviate jellyfish stings. Does Jehovah want people to piss on stings? Does Zeus have something against jellies? Who can say, but we know it’s the only thing to do.
If that’s the case for an aquatic wildlife wound, why wouldn’t it work on the rift in our once harmonious bond?
Listen, we’ve both tried a lot. I tried to learn as much as I could about the history of Volkswagen Beetles, ignoring the Nazi parts. You tried to learn what kind of sub sandwiches I like, although I acknowledge that there are times even I don’t know.
But we’re still fighting. I sleep on the couch. You sleep in your 2011 Volkswagen Beetle, and it kind of seems like a waste that no one gets to actually sleep in the bed. We can’t even meet each other’s eyes over our differentiated soups.
Also, this isn’t a sex thing. Golden showers aren’t going to save our marriage, tantalizing as their sweet sweet humiliation may be. What I’m suggesting is that human urine may contain some innate physical property that will actually cure whatever is wrong with our romantic relationship.
All I know is that we’ve exhausted every possible avenue and now, urine is the only thing we can look to. I don’t like it anymore than you do, but we owe it to ourselves to give it a shot. Before you say yes or no, can I interest you inthis 2 quart pitcher of iced tea?