Nice Try, Instagram! I Already Bought That Hat the Last Time You Advertised It to Me

Wow! You really think I’m that easy to fool, huh? All that time, money, and research invested in your precious little algorithm, one that supposedly knows what I want before I even know what I want. Well, guess what? I already bought that Osaka Tigers 1940 Authentic Wool Ballcap from Ebbets Field Flannels the last time you advertised it to me, so I’m not going to be tricked into buying it again. Joke’s on you, Instagram!

That’s right! I know what this little game is. I read a summary of Shoshanna Zuboff’s The Age of Surveillance Capitalism on Blinkist, which, by the way, you can’t get me to subscribe to again because I already did the first time you recommended it to me. So take that!

From what I understand, Zuboff explains that surveillance capitalism is a “new economic order” in which tech companies harvest “behavioral surplus” and funnel that surplus into prediction products sold on “behavioral futures markets.” These markets don’t just forecast what I’ll do; they subtly shape me into doing it, a process Zuboff calls “instrumentarian power.” In layman’s terms, Instagram isn’t just an app for posting five consecutive Stories of my visit to Phở Sho, my local phở spot. It’s a puppet master tugging at the strings of each and every consumer decision I make on the app.

Well, your tricks won’t work on me anymore, Instagram! I already bought a Floyd Bookshelf the first time I was specifically targeted with data I generated after I Googled “minimalist, modular furniture” and spent several hours scouring r/malelivingspace. So I won’t be needing another. Nor will I be needing the Floyd Bed, Floyd Sofa 2.0, Floyd Soft Serve Sectional, Floyd Lift Off Coffee Table, Floyd Acton Bench, Floyd Utility Set, Floyd Gere Easy Chair, or Floyd Mattress. My apartment is completely furnished with those items, thank you very much, so I won’t be buying anything else from you. And just so you know, everyone on r/malelivingspace loves my taste and has been very supportive as I go through my separation.

So go ahead, Instagram. Keep trying to get me to purchase the matching Osaka Tigers 1959 Authentic Wool Road Baseball Jersey. I already did, and I won’t be needing another one. Thank you, Ms. Zuboff, for opening my eyes!