Most techno music to me sounds like someone force-feeding a crushed-up mixture of crystal meth and ecstasy to an NES, a cacophony of bleeps and bloops hammering your ears at 150 beats per minute. It’s not my favorite genre, in case you couldn’t guess. There are, however, a few techno songs I not only tolerate but actually go out of my way to listen to. Here are my five favorite techno songs, and by five I mean one, and by one I mean “Techno Syndrome” by the Immortals, aka the Mortal Kombat Theme Song.
5. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song
The Mortal Kombat Theme Song goes hard. If you need to be pumped the fuck up, nothing does the job better than hearing a grown man shouting the name of a 1992 Sega Genesis game at the top of his lungs. While the beginning synth notes get my blood pumping, it’s not until someone screams, “MORTAL KOMBAT!” that the song reaches into my chest and rips my still bleeding heart out of my chest. Fatality, indeed.
4. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song
The Mortal Kombat Theme slaps. Almost all of the lyrics are just the names of the characters repeated over and over. Look, I’m in my mid-40s and only getting older. My memory isn’t what it used to be, and now and then I need to be reminded, “Hey, whose that blue ninja with the ice powers? Freezy McCold or whatever? Oh yeah, Sub-Zero, duh!”
3. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song
This is my favorite techno song because it implores me to test my might. You’re favorite techno song wants you to check out the “funk soul brother.” We are not the same. Violence is cool. I don’t give a shit about dropping the bass, I’m all about dropping motherfuckers, preferably with a fireball or well-timed spear throw. I’ve tried listening to other EDM like Moby and Fatboy Slim, and while I admit the beats are catchy, the lyrics feature a distinct lack of ninjas capable of ripping one’s spine out of their body, skull still attached.
2. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song
Nostalgia is a hell of a drug. I’m a ‘90s kid, and the Mortal Kombat Theme reminds me of a simpler time. A time when men were men and women blew kisses made of napalm that melted the flesh off the bones of those men.
1. The Mortal Kombat Theme Song
The Mortal Kombat Theme Song is the perfect techno song — scratch that, perfect song — for any occasion. Funeral? Who doesn’t want their casket lowered into the ground while someone shouts “Finish him!” over a hard-driving beat? Wedding? You owe it to your spouse to walk down the aisle while someone chants, “uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh,” in the background. Personally, I like to put it on in the background while I’m having sex and time my climax so that I finish when the announcer says “Scorpion.” No particular reason, it’s just a vibes thing.
There you have it. Proof that the techno genre peaked with 1994’s “Techno Syndrome” by the Immortals, better known as the Mortal Kombat Theme Song. Before I go, I’d like to leave you with a few inspirational lyrics: “Kano, Liu Kang, Raiden, Johnny Cage.”