I hear people talk a lot these days about “wellness.” On TikTok, it’s almost impossible not to hear chatter about: “Oh, this is my secret tip for wellness.” “This is my life hack for great skin.” I never bought into any of it. Until recently, when I stumbled onto a life hack of my very own: Did you folks know that you can throw away your underwear if it gets too old?
I know it sounds crazy, but hang with me for just a minute. We all hate the sensation of old underpants. The fabric wears thin, the scent of crotch sweat gets baked into them, holes and tears appear everywhere, and the bottom starts to look like the landing strip at Mudman Airport. It used to bother me when my (now ex) girlfriend would send over articles on “the proper way to wipe,” but now I don’t worry so much about whether my undies are fresh or not. If they get too skidded up, I can just throw them away.
It’s such a simple solution, you’ll wonder why you didn’t think of it before. When your underwear starts to become so rank you start to feel embarrassed just by wearing it, you can simply throw that sucker in the garbage, run out, and buy new underwear. I’d always just done the second part, going through cycles of new underwear until they too became foul. Then, when I didn’t have any clean ones left, I’d know it was time to finally do laundry.
Sometimes I wonder how I didn’t stumble onto this earlier. I think I really blame my mom. She used to do all my laundry and buy me new underwear. I don’t feel she adequately prepped me for the realities of underwear ownership. Sure, sometimes she must’ve thrown them away, but… how was I to know? How was I to be prepared? The underwear always came back fresh and new and clean and dry. I figured it would be that way forever.
And it’s not just underwear, by the way. You can do this for all your clothes. You can throw away shirts where the sweat from your armpits has started to leave permanent stains. You can toss out pants where you’ve had rolling blowouts in the crotch. You can even get rid of old socks that are filthy and full of holes.
No more blood blisters on my feet for this big boy. Now I’ve got a life hack.
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
