Hey gals. Super huge feminist here. A giant feminist. A gargantuan one even. I believe I should have the same opportunities as the men in this scene. And as long as you remember to stay the fuck out of my way and stop trying to steal my thunder, I want all you little scene girls to have those same opportunities too. Thunder is my boyfriend, by the way, and don’t pretend you didn’t know that when you let him hit on you. More importantly, we need feminism in this scene. More-more importantly though, we need to recognize that I am the alpha and anyone who challenges my dominance will have their throat bitten out.
Now, most people think of feminism as making sure that women should be paid the same as men, and I say “Hell yeah, sister!” to all of that. I deserve to be paid two drink tickets just like all the guys that play in the bars around here. But it’s also important that ALL women in this scene get the same. That way, when I bully them into giving me those drink tickets, there will be enough for me and Thunder.
I’m also one hell of a guitarist in my band, The Lizzy Stantons, and can shred just as well as any dude while I’m in a miniskirt or jeans. Speaking of jeans, Kaitlin is about two outfits away from an ass-whooping if she doesn’t stop copying my unique signature look of black skinny jeans and Doc Martens. Somebody should tell her to wear more white because clearly she is a sheep. Baaa baaa, Kaitlin. Baaa baaa.
Sure, I don’t really like talking to other women. Not because I don’t like them or am paranoid that they are trying to push me down the stairs and take my place as the singer and lead guitarist of The Lizzy Stantons. I would love to work with more women in the name of sisterhood but they always just seem so jealous of me. They can’t seem to accept that I’m the alpha and they are just yappy little betas that can barely bag a bassist.
First and foremost, I am a feminist. I make sure my duets, short films, and other media that I create pass the Bechdel test. I also like to be sure that all of my conversations pass it as well. That’s why I avoid talking to other women entirely so they can’t tell me about some lame dude they have a crush on.
Next month I’m hoping to get some volunteers to help me mail ru486 pills to women’s health clinics in poor rural areas. I’m just such a bleeding heart feminist that I love helping out other women as much as possible. Specifically, women in places far away from me that I don’t even have to interact with or who have a chance to make eye contact with my boyfriend, Thunder.