Of my seven Cradle of Filth shirts, this one is by far the least filthy. Is there a mysterious crust on both cuffs? Sure. Is the back of my shirt absolutely covered in white dog hair? Definitely, but this is the only one without actual blood or barf on it, and I wasted a perfectly good shirt coming here.
I was content laying in bed taking shots of vodka from a plastic bottle and polishing my sword when my mom so rudely reminded me I drunkenly agreed to attend an event in this public space full of disease and dunces.
It’s not even fun because no one here wants to talk about B.C. Rich Warlocks or take rips of the Jäger in my flask.
Yeah, sometimes, it’s fun to freak out the normies, but why is everybody here is looking at me like they’ve never seen a disemboweled nun doing anal with a two-headed demon on a tee shirt?!
THIS IS ART, PEOPLE! SOMETIMES ART IS VIOLENT AND SEXY AND SMELLS LIKE SOMEONE’S WORN IT FOR THE LAST TWO NIGHTS OF A FEVER! AND I’M FEELING MUCH BETTER NOW, BY THE WAY!
The violence portrayed on this shirt is a metaphor! A criticism of vapid consumerism! And I’m spreading the message of anti-consumerism by purchasing and wearing dozens of sexually-explicit band shirts in every imaginable social setting no matter how inappropriate! And if this shirt freaks you out, wait until you hear the band kinda play black metal.
Their sound ranges from corny to almost heavy which is pretty rad if you’re into bands more for their merch than you are for their music. If you like songs that sound like gothic period-piece audio cosplay, this band’s overly-busy longsleeves could be a great substitute for your personality, too! Plus, Cradle of Filth shirts will make all your friends that are into Red Hot Chili Peppers think of you as their metal friend!
Oh, hey! Look! Tabatha’s recital is about to start, and these edibles are kicking in! I want to snap a quick picture before our little ballerina goes onstage and eviscerates this crowd of dumb cattle!
Everybody say, ‘JESUS IS A CUUUUUUUUUUNT!’