In these hard times sometimes putting food on the table means taking a second job or donating bodily fluids but I’ve learned that treating yourself to a dinner out on the town can be as easy as threatening your local eatery with a personal injury lawsuit! Follow these easy tips to get your meal on the house!
First of all, seat selection is key. An autographed picture of Richard Simmons may get the attention of the waitstaff but if you want a full comp of your meal from Table-tizer to Choco-Nater you’re going to need to head straight for a toboggan, street light or bear trap. Give the wall a good tap and see if anything jiggles. Chances are something will be looser than Boris Yeltsin at an orchestra. If not, claim it’s drafty and ask to be re-seated.
Once you find a suitable seat, go ahead and order yourself a Diddy on the Beach because that’s the real name of a drink on the menu and you’ll be grateful for the anesthetic properties of vodka when a trout that spits tag lines from Duck Dynasty comes crashing down on your noggin. When your server heads off to put in your order, subtly use your butter knife to further loosen the snowshoe, kayak or stop sign you have chosen as your meal ticket.
If all the wall decor at your local TGI Friday’s is properly secured you may need to BYO decor but tread carefully. Legend has it that the manager at this TGI Friday’s (all of them, actually) is a serial killer and each piece of wall art is a memento from one of his kills. To avoid arousing suspicion, stay on theme by finding everyday items that could be used to bludgeon and maim the innocent or transport and hide a body.
When your meal is coming to a close, give the wall a hard kick under your booth and brace for impact! Now it’s time to put your acting skills to use. Head and neck injuries are preferable as they can often be invisible yet serious. If following the BYOD method you can simply unearth the ice pick you brought with you and bang it on the table while holding your neck. If all goes according to plan your server will be too stunned to ask questions and will go ahead and comp your meal.
Good luck! And remember; In here, it’s always Friday!