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Hey you! Yeah, you! Can I get some help over here? I’ve been stuck in this fucking red ball of yarn since the recording of Death Cab for Cutie’s critically acclaimed fourth album, Transatlanticism. Yes, that’s me on the cover.
Did you know that crows can recognize human faces and hold grudges? I know what Ben Gibbard looks like and I’ll never forgive him for dropping that big ball of fucking red yarn outside Seattle’s Hall of Justice studio on December 2nd, 2002. It fell right out of his tan canvas messenger bag. Everyone was carrying those around in the early aughts.
Crows are widely known for their intelligence, use of tools, and play. However, sometimes that can backfire. I wanted to mess around with the fucking ball of yarn and ended up stuck in it for two decades.
I lost everything man. Everything. I had a crow wife (we just call them “wives”) and crow kids (we just call them “kids). I left one day to forage for food, got caught in that red ball, and she left me, just like that. She said she didn’t want to be with someone so careless. She said she didn’t want to raise our children with someone who didn’t have their crow head (we just call them “heads”) on straight.
Did you know that crows typically live seven to eight years in the wild but can live to 30 when in captivity? Well, I’ve been held captive by this red fucking ball of yarn since 2002 so I guess that’s true. My life painfully tripled as I was made a prisoner by a woolen ball of crimson. I just want to die.
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I’m sorry. Crows “caw” when they’re upset.
You know…when Ben realized he had dropped the ball of yarn, he came back outside looking for it. There I was, caught in a fibrous tangle of fucking red and, instead of helping, he lifted his vintage Leica 35mm camera to his bespeckled horn-rimmed face and took my picture. Everyone had those glasses and that camera in the early aughts.
“But isn’t it nice having your illustrated face on the cover of a seminal indie rock record?” you ask. “Even if it captured a moment when your life changed forever?”
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No. It’s not.