It’s no secret that we live in an age of disinformation. For many years now America has been under the influence of a charismatic manipulator, whose constant stream of lies divide us and warp our sense of reality. We’re referring of course to The National’s Matt Berninger.
Berninger is no stranger to outrageous claims, which his most ardent defenders casually dismiss as “hyperbole,” Over the years the baritone indie darling has boasted of being “a perfect piece of ass,” to be “put together beautifully,” and to be incapable of fucking us over because he’s “Mr. November.” There is one claim, however, that quite literally takes the cake — in a track off of 2005’s “Alligator,” Berninger claims to be “A birthday candle in a circle of black girls.”
Make no mistake, this is not an instance of hyperbole. “I’m a birthday candle in a circle of black girls” is a declarative statement — something Berninger is presenting as fact. Since this claim wound up having far-reaching global consequences (all the wine is all for him now) The Hard Times has decided to investigate its validity.
CLAIM: Matt Berninger is a birthday candle in a circle of black girls.
RATING: FALSE
After thorough investigation and research, our fact-check team has proven conclusively that Matt Berninger is not a birthday candle in a circle of black girls. Let’s break it down:
Instant deflection
Listen again to Berninger making this claim. Before anyone can even question his outrageous statement he cuts them off with a curt “God is on my side,” a tactic clearly designed to rally support from his evangelical base. Berninger follows this with “I’m the childbride,” clearly using the publics outrage with pedophilia to bury the transparent lie he just told.
Whose birthday?
To date, no one has come forward.
Medical records
Leaked records of Berninger’s medical history seem to indicate that he is a mammal. He’s warm blooded, a vertebrate, and possesses a neocortex. Also, he needs to watch his cholesterol.
Any time Berninger has been lit on fire he has extinguished himself almost immediately
Conspicuous behavior for a man claiming to be a wax cylinder with a wick in the middle designed for slow, controlled burning, providing illumination for emergencies and special occasions.
What would that even be?
Like seriously, what is that, what is he saying? What would that even be a metaphor for? What the fuck are we even talking about here?
As you can see, the evidence is clear, and damning. If Berninger lied about being a birthday candle in a circle of black girls back in 2005, what else is he lying about? Did he really see a feathery woman carry a blindfolded man through the streets? Is it really a common fetish for a common man to ballerina on the coffee table, cock in hand? Is that man really a balloon? By spreading this falsehood Berninger has damaged not only his own reputation, but the credibility of the entire summer lovin’ torture party.