My life’s march towards being the male embodiment of fourth-wave feminism began the moment I was born. I opened my placenta-soaked eyes, looked up at my mother, and thought “Wow, we truly are equal.” And that journey culminates today with my purchase of a brand new Ernie Ball Music Man St. Vincent Goldie Signature 6-string electric guitar in a Velveteen finish with 3 gold-foil mini humbuckers and whammy bar.
I no longer have to couch my verifiably correct opinions with “Look, I know I’m a dude and this isn’t necessarily my place to speak,” or some bullshit like that. I can just launch right into it. Why? Because I am literally financially supporting women in one of the most expensive ways possible. Just peep my phone background of the guitar being held up against the sky. So yes, I think I know how to represent women and their needs.
I bought the guitar this morning. As I waited in Guitar Center for them to fetch me an untouched model from the back of the store, I pulled bell hooks’ “Feminist Theory: From Margin to Center” out of my backpack, which I’ve been reading for the last 6 years or so. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned from her, it’s that capital letters are the patriarchal devil made flesh. so fuck you, mr. grammar man. i am not using any in the rest of this article.
the guitar center employee finally returned, rang me up at the register, and said “dude, this is a sick guitar.” i responded with a curt “dude? women can play guitar too,” then looked around the room for a woman to make knowing eye contact with and eventually start talking to. alas, there were none. the patriarchy strikes again.
feminism only has a chance if we are honest with ourselves. and in the nature of pure honesty, i am going to be fully transparent. tax was an additional 312 dollars. so i need you to understand that i actually spent $3,512 on this piece of women’s herstory.
for anyone saying that feminism isn’t measured by the amount of money you spend and that you could have gotten the sterling model for a fraction of the price, i think you should susan b. minding your own business. now excuse me while i go make some pinch harmonics that are so nasty, they shatter glass ceilings.