Listen, all you little communist punks. I know it’s the hot new pastime to celebrate Socialism and make fun of us “old farts” for ruining your lives. But what you youngsters don’t understand is that’s just not how the world works, okay? If you knew just how hard we work, you wouldn’t be so smug and angry.
Pardon my French, but of fucking course we could get more wins if we didn’t do things like literally not even hold a primary in the last presidential election or kick non-establishment Dems off of ballots. But we really like doing that! How else are we supposed to cash in on deals with shady donors? I’m busting my ass every day to afford several luxury properties. I even had to take on a summer job! Sure, that summer job is making hundreds of thousands of dollars giving the same exact commencement speech at every school on Long Island, but that’s hard work!
Oh, so you all want to be the next Mamdani now that you see how beloved he is? I could have been beloved too if I were a sellout who did his job! Sure, I could listen to you and tax billionaires and invest in libraries and provide free childcare and freeze rent.
You people think it’s easy dedicating your life to pretending to fight fascism but actually secretly supporting it because that’s where the money is? I have to answer, like, so many phone calls a day. Do you know how little Israel lets me do? I’m probably going to get an angry WhatsApp from Bibi because I shook my finger angrily at Trump before going out to lunch with him the other day (I mean, one has to spend time with one’s colleagues. It’s just good manners, which is another thing you kids don’t understand).
You youngsters all have pie in the sky ideals about the world, but you’ll get it when you’re older. When you’re sitting on the balcony of your luxury Manhattan apartment, you’ll think about all the people you pretended to fight for but let die, and your wife will hand you some champagne and a cigar and you’ll think, “Yeah, this is worth it.”
