Female pleasure can be confusing and scary. That’s why these highly sophisticated toys exist. They are actually designed for anyone who wants to be involved in a woman’s pleasure, like in the room, but in no way responsible for it.
Motorized Tongue
Playboy Pleasure True Indulgence
This motorized tongue has 9 stroking speeds and rhythm patterns that humiliate the human tongue by targeting the exact pattern and speed she needs to get there and then maintaining it for longer than the human man, for instance, might think.
Suction
Lelo Sona 2 Cruise
With 12 settings, sonic pulsing that reaches “the internal structure of the clitoris,” patented “Cruise Control” technology, and weeks of battery life, this puppy just needs a conductor who knows exactly which button to push and exactly when to push it. And that conductor is her, not you. You just sit and watch, k babe?
Remote Control
We-Vibe Sync 2
Featuring 10 intensities and an adjustable size to fit her body like a glove, this one allows a partner to hold a remote and press random buttons like the remote control cars of their youth, perhaps even exclaiming, “Vroom vroom!” Do not be alarmed if she nods and smiles as if to say “Wow, look at you, good job!” before gently taking the remote from you to finish the job.
Pinpoint
Lelo Dot Clitoral Pinpoint Vibrator
A pinpoint tip made of bendable silicone that warms when it touches her skin paired with patented “Infinite Loop” technology encourages rolling or stacked orgasms. The only thing standing in the way of you and those multiple rolling orgasms she so craves is finding the right spot using the tip the size of a toothpick. Good luck, babe!
The OG Magic Wand
Official Hitachi Magic Wand Original
The original 70s classic. The one her grandmother had in her nightstand next to her dentures. The one that you can hear from across the street. With a cord that plugs into the wall and only two settings, this thing’s so diesel it could make someone cream their jeans — which should make it a layup for you to use on her, right? Wrong. She associates this with her childhood bed and the first time she learned what she liked, so you don’t have a prayer, my friend. This hunk of plastic and silicone is too deeply woven into the fabric of her sexual psyche. A place you’ll never touch. This is a dragon only she commands.