LOS ANGELES — Exceptionally talented, easy-on-the-eyes, genuinely nice and downright hilarious musician Garret Parker can go right ahead and fuck himself, male sources fuming with jealousy confirmed.
“OK. I know everyone thinks this guy is the fucking tits, but he is such a tool: I saw him play a show last month where he connected with the audience on this deep personal level, told some off-the-cuff jokes that were actually funny, and by the end of the set, had everyone clapping along and going nuts,” said Tommy Benson, one of many who claim a deep hatred for Parker. “He even had the nerve to come and greet everyone after the show with his beautiful eyes and strong jaw. That fucking prick should just go hang out on the bus and quit being such a genuinely good, easy-to-like person.”
Those who know Parker’s gifts have repeatedly questioned how one man could possess so many wonderful talents and attributes.
“So the thing is, he can play every instrument, and I can’t play any — yeah, I only tried playing ‘The Office’ theme song on the piano once and couldn’t figure it out, but it still pisses me off that this guy is always showing off his musical abilities while also being so tall and handsome,” said long-time hater Jacob Russo. “I also heard he donates 50% of his money to animal rights organizations. OK, prick, we get it: you’re a great person. If I find out he’s really good at ‘Street Fighter 2’ I’m going to lose it.”
Even Parker’s own bandmates admit they struggle with envy around the suspiciously perfect musician.
“Initially he wanted our band to be called The Hopefuls, but we vetoed that and said we should just use his name, because… I mean, look at him. We keep sort of hoping he’ll fuck up, but he’s completely devoted to his amazing wife, he’s a wonderful father, and he just wrote a book about positive thinking,” said drummer Brent Clark. “Looking at him only reminds me of what a mess my life is — I fall asleep at night hoping he gets disfigured in a fire. Oh, God, please don’t tell him I said that!”
At press time, Parker was unavailable for comment, as he was taking his mother on a trip to Italy.
Photo by the painfully handsome, talented, and funny Louie Aronowitz.