DENVER — Panicked local guitarist Leonard Walsh wiped blood from his face moments ago while insisting his band drop everything, hit the road under cover of darkness, and begin touring immediately, preferably in a country without a U.S. extradition treaty.
“A musician should always be prepared to pack up their lives and never, ever look back… for an out-of-town gig, obviously, and no other reason. I go where the music takes me. And right now the music is taking me the fuck out of Dodge,” said Walsh while pacing around with his hands on his head. “I just have that urge to flee the scene and play live music, far, far away from this town.”
“Nothing suspicious about a band hitting the road, creating a bunch of flyers saying the tour started a week ago, and convincing locals four states over that I was definitely playing at a bar there,” he added while burning all his clothes in a trash can in his backyard.
Drummer Tawny Schaefer was at the band’s shared loft when Walsh “kicked open the door”’ and demanded everyone get in the van.
“Leonard loudly proclaimed, ‘Good news, guys. I booked us a tour but we have to leave right now. Like, right, right now.’ And then he said, ‘It’s not blood — this isn’t blood on my shirt,’ totally unprompted,” said Schaefer. “He wouldn’t tell us where we were going because he didn’t want us to post anything online, which seemed counterintuitive. When I explained I didn’t have my drums and Tom had to restring his guitar, he said, ‘Fuck that shit. We don’t need instruments to tour.’”
Detective Ed Micmillan was on the alleged murder scene, calling it “violent,” “gut-wrenching” and “some of the worst shit he’s seen in 20 years on the force.”
“We believe the suspect to be a 25 to 55-year-old male wearing size 11 boots, and based on this patch we found, a huge fan of Sick of it All. He’s also the worst goddamn lyricist to ever put pen to paper,” said Micmillan holding up a bloody lyric notebook. “The way he tried to force a rhyme of ‘luck’ with ‘spunk’ is enough to make a person sick. That’s a half-rhyme at best. This guy is gonna go away for a long time. Mainly for the murder.”
Currently, the band is on tour in an undisclosed location. While Walsh changed the band’s name online, none of their 12 Facebook followers noticed.