CHULA VISTA, Calif. — Partygoer Todd Horne attempted to engage the rest of the crew moments ago in a round of “Jeff-based shit talk,” despite the fact that “Todd is way less cool than Jeff, and he should really just keep his mouth shut,” sources present report.
“It feels good to finally have some time away from that booger-eater Jeff. That turd is always tagging along and ruining our good time,” Horne said, apparently unaware of the widely held belief that he himself is a turd, while Jeff is generally considered to be a “good hang.” “Last time I saw that butt sniffer, he kept asking how my Mom was doing after her cancer diagnosis. Come on, dude — what kind of creep asks about someone’s mom? And how would I even know something like that? I haven’t talked to her in like, two months.”
Horne later highlighted a recent incident in which Jeff allegedly “wronged” him.
“Todd was whining about Jeff drinking all his High Lifes last weekend at Doug’s, but Jeff only did that because Todd got blackout and puked all over him at the show at O’Brien’s the week before,” reported a source present who has chosen to remain anonymous. “We think Todd might have a real issue — Jeff didn’t even drink the beers. He hid them in the bathroom to protect Todd from himself.”
Following a harsh opening gambit, however, Horne apparently backtracked slightly, apparently realizing the esteem in which Jeff in held — and an unwillingness to join in on the attacks.
“I mean, I guess he isn’t so bad,” Horne said, backing away from what was a strong stance moments ago. “He helped Dave move that one time. And he hooked me up once when he was working at that shawarma place, even though the meat was really dry and I got yelled at by one of his coworkers for bringing in my own yellow mustard.”
When reached for comment about Horne’s remarks, however, Jeff seemed unperturbed.
“Hey, man… people talk a lot. What are you gonna do?” the pretty cool dude said in an interview conducted on a four-stair he’s been trying to clear. “I’m just not into all the scene stuff, man. I’m just trying to do my thing.”