Dear Scabby: I’m a British man who’s 27 in just over a year and currently lives with his parents because he no longer has a job. I have great linguistic skills from my days of forging legal documents and have good experience with interviews, even if they did find me guilty. How can I get a job writing for thehardtimes? -STEVEJOBLESS
Dear SteveJobsless: If by “Steve Jobless” you’re suggesting the only thing that separates you from late Apple CEO, Steve Jobs is your unemployment status, I’ll bite, assuming from your cadence you already wear ill-fitting turtlenecks and eat acid pretentiously. The Hard Times’ drug tests it’s contributors regularly to make sure they’re all on drugs, but that shouldn’t be a problem for a document-forging madman like yourself. Once hired you’ll have to tell me about the time you stole crisps from the corner store, or whatever wacky lawlessness ensued that left you with a guilty verdict.
I perpetually “live with my parents,” in that I have an incurable case of Peter Pan syndrome that causes me to manipulate every roommate I’ve ever had into becoming my personal caretaker. There’s no shame in living at home, but you’ll probably want to devise an escape plan soon. Even if your parents seem happy to have you around the house it’s only because they’ve grown to hate each other so much they need you there as a buffer until one of them can sneak out and make small talk with the neighbor for four hours in an act of spousal avoidance.
Dear Scabby: I accidentally came inside this mom I met on Hinge. She’s extremely fertile so it scares me she might get pregnant even though she took Plan B four hours after. She’s so fertile she’s had 4 children and they were all unplanned. Also I really, really, really don’t like her and don’t want a kid with her. I’m 22. Can you tell me everything will be ok? -CANTPOINTMYDICKRIGHT
Dear Can’t Point My Dick Right: I can’t remember to take a pill everyday unless that pill is Percocet, which means on the rare occasion a man does reach an orgasm with me my plan A is Plan B. The only surefire way of preventing pregnancy is abstinence, or telling people you listen to the Goo Goo Dolls. I gag when I brush my teeth or whenever someone tries to give me water without Crystal Light in it, so oral sex isn’t for me, but going down on someone is another fun way couples practice safe sex, and it lets women know what you’d look like with a mustache.
Hopefully the next older woman you sleep with will remind you enough of your own mom to turn into something long term. I’ve always enjoyed sleeping with much older men, which contrary to popular opinion has nothing to do with my “daddy issues,” even though an alarming amount of them end up having the same birthday and first name as him. Your Hinge date’s fertility aside, I wouldn’t worry too much since something tells me your chalky, Monster energy drink-powered sperm wouldn’t have the potency to impregnate Michelle Dugger.
Dear Scabby: I think I hate men. Like, there are a few that I like and respect individually but I just can’t really stand what the whole clump of them are all about, generally. I’m not sure that I have a question about it… -OVERIT
Dear Over It: Far be it from me to call you selfish, but have you considered the repercussions of this female-centric dystopia you seem to be suggesting? The entertainment industry alone would never survive it, what with the termination of “Entourage” and all those serial killer documentaries you stream from your ex’s Netflix account. Say goodbye to Discovery ID, Lifetime and any other network that relies on its viewership from shows about violence and stalking like, “The Nightmare Next Door,” “Who the (Bleep) Did I Marry?” and “Swamp Murders.”
Without the men what will become of Bass Pro Shops, and HR departments? These are people’s livelihoods we’re talking about. Think of the ghost pepper industry. Who other than a man is going to risk minor esophageal damage by volunteering to eat the world’s hottest chicken wing in a bid to assert themselves as the alpha? Moreover, all those liberating and empowering marches and protests women organize to fight for equal pay and reproductive rights would never be possible without systemic male oppression, and for that I’m grateful.
Scabby is the self-proclaimed mother of the Richmond, VA hardcore scene (and also a number of illegitimate children who have been trying to get in touch with her via ancestry.com.) She came this close to getting her associates degree in psychology from an online program that was later shut down for reasons we cannot disclose due to an ongoing investigation. Originally named Gabby F., she started going by Scabby after an untreated bed bugs “situation” in her first squat made national news, and is assumed to be anywhere between 50 and 100 years old. She looks forward to answering your most pressing questions and encourages people to push each other mentally, emotionally, and literally. You can contact Scabby at [email protected].