DETROIT – With her due date rapidly approaching, pregnant teen Lauren “Wormy” Chambers has been making gigantic improvements to her residence, hoping to turn her punk house into a punk home.
“Well, the first thing I did when I found out I was pregnant was quit smoking,” said Chambers as she swept broken glass off the back porch into the grass below. “I switched to e-cigs because I don’t want my baby to be all skinny and shit.”
The number of tenants occupying the house, listed on flyers as the “Toxic Castle,” fluctuates between 8 and 23 depending on the time of year — and they’ve all been asked to chip in to make the home more welcoming for it’s newest member.
“I have really enjoyed helping clean this place up, who thought hard work could feel so rewarding? I didn’t even realize we had hardwood floors. I always thought this place was carpeted,” said Jason Hostyne, while doing a quick Google search of “black mold.” “Years of people just throwing shit on the floor has built up I guess, kind of scary to think we breath this in every day.”
“I am really excited about all the changes,” said Chambers as she replaced a hand-stitched “Fuck The System” sign with hand-stitched “Home Is Where The Heart Is” sign on the bathroom wall. “This place has never looked better. I am hoping to go to the thrift store later today to get some new curtains to replace the old crummy ones we’ve been using as doors.”
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Other improvements Chambers has made in anticipation of the new baby include insulating the bare copper electrical wires with blankets, disposing of years worth of pizza boxes that served as a makeshift mattress, and buying a Brita water filter.
But some longtime residents, like Otto Stein and his pitbull mix “Darby,” are unhappy with some of the changes.
“I used to do all my tattoos out of the living room,” he said. “But Wormy made me move my entire business to the basement. That’s where the shows are. How am I supposed to focus while a local band plays their entire discography as an opening set?”
He added, “Three covers during an opening set. Really guys? Really?”
When a call was placed to the landlord to ask about basic improvements to the property a representative made a brief statement on the matter:
“People are living in that hell hole? Thank you, we will inform the cops.”
Photo by W. Marsh and Bradfordst219.